Memories

It is about midnight and I'm sitting in bed wide awake. All kinds of things are running through my head, most of which revolve around Pop. For some reason he has been on my mind a lot here lately. I keep thinking about the day he died and all of the things I could have changed. After I got off of work on that Monday, I thought about going to my parents house but then I decided that I just really wanted to go home and eat dinner. I got home, changed into pajamas, and started cooking dinner. I wasn't home 15 minutes before my sister, Kacie, called me to tell me that the EMS was there because Pop was in bad shape. At that time I worked in Spartanburg but lived in Gastonia, so it took me 45 minutes to get back to Spartanburg. By the time I got there he was gone. I keep thinking that if I would have just gone with my gut and headed to my parents house that things may have been different. Maybe I would have noticed the signs of his heart attack. I could have given him aspirin and called EMS immediately. I would have been able to do CPR when he collapsed. My mom and sister were there, but neither of them are in the medical field. Kacie attempted CPR after he collapsed and while Mom was talking to 911. Maybe things would be different. I don't know that. He may have ended up dying anyway, maybe it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. But I just keep blaming myself for not paying attention to my instincts. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him more than I do my own dad (who died in 2001). I just can't seem to get these things off of my mind and I thought that if I wrote them out I would feel better. Do I? Not really. I still hurt. I'm still crying. Will my brain stop turning tonight long enough for me to get some sleep? Unknown. My mom misses Pop so much too, she and I talked about him this morning. Kacie is still torn up about having to perform CPR on him. Kaleigh still talks about how much she misses her papa. Poor little Emma will never meet him. Tracey is still upset because she wasn't there (at the time she lived in Alabama). So all in all our family is missing a huge piece of our whole. It even feels a little empty sometimes. I just need to know in my heart, and I do, that one day he and I will see each other again. And a part of me can't wait. I miss him so much. I love you Pop!