Starting the New Year off right....

This is a new year, so it's time for change. Well, not really. What are my normal resolutions? Weight loss, exercise, & kids. The funny thing is that I was reading an old blog of mine from Christmas 2009 and in it I stated that I wanted kids for Christmas of 2010. So that didn't happen. But I am hopeful. I honestly feel in my heart that kids are in our future, just not sure how long we'll have to wait. There have been changes since our last loss, and still trying to figure out my cycles, but we will just have to leave it in God's hands. Which I am trying really hard to do. I cannot stop myself from worrying & stressing over the fact that I am another year older and still without kids. I see people on facebook fussing over their kids being at home, out of school b/c of snow, or kids just being loud. Well I would like to have that problem. I have been hearing it all week at work too. People are stating that if their kids don't go back to school soon then they are going to lose it. Well some of us would just love the opportunity to have that problem. I know. I know. This is not up to me, it's up to God's plan. But see, this is some of the things that really hit home for me. Of course I do believe that it is good to just get some of these things off of your chest at times. So this is my avenue for that. I am trying to not let this blog be all about me not having kids, but honestly that is what is happening in my life right now. That is my life right now. We have decided that if there are no kids here in the next few months then it's reproductive endocrinology here we come. And of course our insurance does not cover it at all. Thanks for that. But hopefully it will not have to come to that. We shall see.

Walter and I do have our vacation planned for March 2011. We are going to Lake Tahoe for a ski trip!! Woo hoo! I'm excited b/c neither of us has ever been, so that will be new and exciting. We took our "anniversary" vacation a little late in 2010, we went the week before Thanksgiving to Atlantic City. And I'm OK with never going back. We had a lot of "us" time....and that was the only good thing about AC. But we will always have that.

OK, so now I feel like I may be getting a little tired and this blog may be rambling. But I also do feel like I got a few things off of my chest. So thanks for listening. Good night and God bless. Love y'all.

What's going on you ask?

Well friends, it has been a very eventful last couple of weeks. As most of you know I had an HSG performed around October 21st. The procedure itself wasn't bad, but it did take a lot longer than originally thought. In the end, the test was normal. Which is awesome...of course that doesn't really give us an answer. The radiologist told me that a lot of women get pregnant after having this test done. Well, we did. I found out really early that we were pregnant, but started spotting shortly after. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, where they did my HCG levels. My level was at 1304, which startled the doctor. They called me and wanted me to come in the next day to do an US and more labs. The doctor was afraid that I may have been pregnant when I had the HSG done. The US was normal, but my HCG levels were down to 1094. That evening I started spotting and it was getting heavier. At that point I knew we were losing this pregnancy too. It was a very emotional experience. You would think having been through this 3 times before that I would be sortof used to it...but I'm not. No matter how many times or how early you lose, it still hurts. Granted I felt better after a couple of days, and on Friday my levels were down to 600. I didn't want to talk about it for a few days, but finally feel up to it. Also I really feel like that this was God's way of telling me that this baby was not meant to be. I know in my heart that kids are in our future...it just hasn't hit me how we're going to get them. We are open to adoption and surrogacy. But I will keep you updated in our journey.

One awesome thing is that I've decided dieting alone will not get the remainder of my weight off. To date I have lost 42 pounds. It was 46 but with everything going on plus all of the Halloween candy I bought (not one trick-or-treater) and therefore ate I gained 4 pounds back. Currently I am 31 pounds away from my original weight goal, so technically I'm more than half way there. The problem is that I've been on a plateau for months, so exercise must come into play. I woke up this morning and did some cardio before getting ready for work. I felt great all day. We will have to see how long I can keep this up. My diet has been better this week as well. I will continue to update my progress also.

Thanks friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. I know they are there b/c I can feel them everyday. I trust that God is working here, I just have to be patient. I love you and God bless.

Update

Well there is no big news yet. I know that I was a little frustrated the other day...but sometimes I really need to vent it all out. Walter has been wonderful. He is still so positive, which brings me back to reality and keeps me on track. We do have an appt with Dr. Dufour (fertility) next month and we are going to do another round on Clomid this month. Although to be honest, I really don't want to. I hate the side effects...but the possibilities make it all worth it. We are hoping that we have a better idea of ovulation after the OPK's last month. I am hoping and praying for some great news soon! To be honest, I am so tired of hearing and seeing pregnant people. Damn! Is it in the water? I'm trying not to cuss these people out, so if you are one of these people and I do...please understand that I am going through a heck of a lot right now. No! I do not want to hear about your 4th cousin twice removed who is finally pregnant after 4 long years of trying. I don't care!! OK, so maybe I wasn't completely done with my venting. Thanks to those people who offered helpful advice, prayers, and understanding of my craziness. I really am grateful. I just have a few people in my daily life who don't understand that telling me about someone they know just finding out that they are pregnant is not really helpful for me. Nor does it make me feel better or optimistic. Please keep those prayers going, we need them right now. I love you and thanks again.

Completely frustrated!!!

Today I am so frustrated, sad, angry, and overall...depressed. Walter and I have been trying to get pregnant for some time now. The doctors have me on Clomid, b/c they thought that I was not ovulating, for 4 months now. The pills really make me crazy. But I've taken them. This month I also did the OPK (ovulation predictor kits) to see exactly when I'm ovulating. Originally the doctors thought that I was ovulating early b/c my levels were so low. Well according to the OPK, I'm actually late. So we have been trying all month, and I checked my levels yesterday at work, got the results today, and they are even lower than last month. I really thought that we did it this month (hee hee) but if I go by my labs...not so much. I took an early pregnancy test and it was negative. I just don't what is going on. I'm so tired of trying and testing and labwork. I want kids soooo bad and now it seems like it's never going to happen. Our infertility started after my D&C, so something has to be wrong....right? I looked into surrogacy and it's around $60,000. With adoption it's similar in price if you do a private adoption, but if you go through the foster system it's hard to find babies. And I hate to say it...but I want a baby-baby. The doctors are talking about IUI (intra-uterine insemination), which again is expensive and there is no guarantee I will be able to carry a child to term, as the doctors do not know why I continue to miscarry. I am in need of prayers people!! I need courage, strength, hope, optimism, and health. If everyone who reads this could please send that up for me I would appreciate it. Thanks ya'll. Love you!

Memories Part 2

My mom read my previous blog and made a very good point. I was having a hard time the other night because I was thinking about Pop. I miss him dearly. But my mom is right. There are people still in this world that won't be here forever. I have to work on making new memories with them. I'm not saying that I won't breakdown again because I miss Pop. But I am going to try to focus more on the people still with me. I will see all of my loved ones again one day. And in Heaven's time, it won't be long. It may seem like forever here on earth, but in Heaven things are different. I know that I am being watched over by my loved ones, and I still have a lot of family left here on this earth. So between the two, I am so loved. So thank you Mom for making a valid point. I love you so much.

Memories

It is about midnight and I'm sitting in bed wide awake. All kinds of things are running through my head, most of which revolve around Pop. For some reason he has been on my mind a lot here lately. I keep thinking about the day he died and all of the things I could have changed. After I got off of work on that Monday, I thought about going to my parents house but then I decided that I just really wanted to go home and eat dinner. I got home, changed into pajamas, and started cooking dinner. I wasn't home 15 minutes before my sister, Kacie, called me to tell me that the EMS was there because Pop was in bad shape. At that time I worked in Spartanburg but lived in Gastonia, so it took me 45 minutes to get back to Spartanburg. By the time I got there he was gone. I keep thinking that if I would have just gone with my gut and headed to my parents house that things may have been different. Maybe I would have noticed the signs of his heart attack. I could have given him aspirin and called EMS immediately. I would have been able to do CPR when he collapsed. My mom and sister were there, but neither of them are in the medical field. Kacie attempted CPR after he collapsed and while Mom was talking to 911. Maybe things would be different. I don't know that. He may have ended up dying anyway, maybe it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. But I just keep blaming myself for not paying attention to my instincts. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him more than I do my own dad (who died in 2001). I just can't seem to get these things off of my mind and I thought that if I wrote them out I would feel better. Do I? Not really. I still hurt. I'm still crying. Will my brain stop turning tonight long enough for me to get some sleep? Unknown. My mom misses Pop so much too, she and I talked about him this morning. Kacie is still torn up about having to perform CPR on him. Kaleigh still talks about how much she misses her papa. Poor little Emma will never meet him. Tracey is still upset because she wasn't there (at the time she lived in Alabama). So all in all our family is missing a huge piece of our whole. It even feels a little empty sometimes. I just need to know in my heart, and I do, that one day he and I will see each other again. And a part of me can't wait. I miss him so much. I love you Pop!

Anything new?? Not really.

Well there isn't really a lot to tell. We are still trying to get pregnant but atleast the medicine is working. I am now ovulating, of course it's very sporadic. I hate taking the clomid. It really puts a crazy spin on my hormones. I am crying, screaming, depressed, and laughing all in the same breath it feels like. I'm mean to people, and I don't intend to be. I am the most mean to my loved ones and I'm sorry for that. I am just praying that I don't have to take it for too long. I am currently on the third month, so there is always hope. I know that we have a lot of people out there on our side. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm kindof glad that Walter is at work tonight b/c I am definately in one of my foul moods. So maybe going to bed early will make me feel better.

Walter and I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and we took my niece, Kaleigh, and Heather's daughter, Gracie, with us. The girls are 5 and 6 respectively. We had a blast. The girls were a lot of fun and full of energy. It gave us a little insight into what it would be like to have kids. We played and fussed and played some more. Originally I was hoping that when we did have children that it would be a girl...now I'm thinking I'd like to have boys. I think that they'd be easier. Girls are always so.....girly. Gosh I know that's not a very good description, but you all will know what I mean. I did post some pics on facebook if you would like to see. We had a very good time.

I'm sorry that this is such a short post, but no one has been blogging so I'm putting my foot down. Blog people. I needs to know what's going on. So out with it!!

OK talk to you all later. Holla!!