This crazy thing called Life

It has been forever since my last blog.  I cannot believe how my life has changed in 4 short months.  We go from a family of 2 to a family of 4 within a 3 weeks span....and I wouldn't change one bit.  I have no clue where this journey will take me and Walter but I am putting my heart into it.  I don't know any other way.  I tell myself to compartmentalize...but that's easier said than done.  Sometimes it will hit me that these two sweet angels may not be our lives forever, but I am going to show them as much love and attention as I can while I have them.  I love them so much, it will absolutely break me if they have to leave.  But I knew going into this whole process that that was a possibility...heck it's a 50/50 chance at this point.  I know that I get frustrated on a daily basis with them but Lord knows that I wouldn't change it for the world.

So just a little update; we've had another court date, but no changes were made to the orders.  We have a meeting with DSS next month and another court date in October.  But honestly there will probably be no changes made at those two times either. 

We did take the kids to Disney in June and had a ball!  They were so excited and heck, I was too.  I love it there and would take them back again...and soon.  We're planning a beach trip in a couple weeks for Labor Day so that'll be fun too.  I really want to do another cruise but you cannot take them out of the country and I do not want to leave them for a week.  It's crazy I know, but I am so attached.  And plus we've got a great routine going on and they know what to expect.  I would hate it if they thought we had left them all of a sudden.  That would break my heart.

While we were driving down to Disney R started with a viral infection; fever, cough, and fussy.  Lasted 24 hours and then she was good to go.  However, that was also the week that she started this whole crying out in the middle of the night deal and trying to wiggle her way into our bed.  So now we are doing this whole cry it out method.  Let me tell you that it sucks!  We didn't start it until about a week ago, but she was taking over an hour to go to bed every night.  Then M wanted to get in on it b/c he sees that it's working for her.  So we've had to put a stop to it.  So now; I put them both to bed after reading books, hugs, kisses, and tucking them in.  She is still crying out but it's getting less and less.  Tonight was only 20 minutes.  And I do go upstairs after a certain time to make sure she's OK and just reassure her that it's bedtime and she'll see us again when she wakes up.  She's got a nightlight & fan for white noise.  Plus we can see her on the monitor to make sure she's OK.  Of course the other night when Walter was home he was the one who went back up and as soon as she heard the stairs creak she craned her little head and screamed louder.  Girl knows what she's doing:)
It gets really hard when she starts in on the "Mom-mom", breaks my heart.  I have to hide out in my room and watch the monitor.  B/c I know if I leave my room I'll be up the stairs in a hot minute.  Don't judge me!

On our agenda for now is R's bday party in September and M's bday in October.  I am really excited about throwing them parties....I do love to plan:)

So that is all for now...or really all I have time to type for now.  I hope that all is well in all of your lives and thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts. 

One month in...and going strong

It has now been one month since M & R moved in; things are getting better and better every day.  In the beginning it was difficult; not only for the kids, but for Walter & myself too.  Our lives completely turned upside down.  We were used to going when we wanted to, eating no matter the time, taking naps during the day if we felt like it, and most of all sleeping in in the mornings.  Oh yeah, that's all gone.  Now apparently you have to feed these kids every few hours or they get really upset:)  But when they came to our home they were not speaking a whole lot, and what was said couldn't be understood.  Bedtime was a nightmare, and the food issues were so heartbreakingly (I know it's not a word...but more appropriate) sad.  So after a month the kids have gotten more used to us and us to them.  They are speaking more, and M is putting words together to form sentences.  We are all getting in a routine...finally!  The food issues seem to be getting better; they are no longer overeating or gorging themselves.  They both stop when they are full.  Bedtime is slightly better....of course when do kids ever want to go bed?  But overall we are all getting better.  Thursday is visit day with birth parents, that is still hard b/c it really confuses them.  The kids moved daycares a couple weeks ago, so they are finally getting used to that as well.  I, of course, have now taken my shopping problem to a completely new level....I'm outta control y'all! 

Honestly, overall we are all doing well.  Things are getting easier everyday.  We are just trying to take things one day at a time, b/c at this point these children are not up for adoption.  We have to understand that there is a 50/50 chance that these two little ones will go back to their birth parents.  Which will break my heart!  But we are really enjoying the time that we do have with them; they are sweet, funny, loving, and loud children.  We love them already and hope to have lots more time with them.

Please continue those prayers for our family.  We feel each and every one of them.  Thanks so much for following us on our crazy journey, it means a lot.

Life Changes....

Well, we've had the two little ones with us for about 2 weeks now; they moved in on March, 28 2013, right before Easter.  It has definitely taken some acclamation on all of our parts.  Walter and I were used to going wherever and whenever we felt like it.  We've quickly realized that this is no longer an option.  Kids have to nap, and eat, and have diaper changes, and don't like to shoe shop (well the little girl, R, does:) and are not interested in hanging out watching movies or TV all day.  So our life is so different than it was just 2 weeks ago.  We are very pleased with our changes right now, we welcomed it.  I absolutely adore these children.  Although I have no clue what the future holds; I hope that I can continue to be a part of their lives, no matter what happens.  But to say that I would not be completely heart broken would be a lie.  I am really trying to stay strong and realize that God has a plan for us and we can't really rush Him, LOL.  So patience is becoming more of a need of mine.  I've never been good with it....so starting all over again with this roller coaster ride is tough.  But we are hanging in there and taking it one day at a time.  Trying to be strong, loving, firm, and constant for them.  Please continue to pray that we are what they need right now in their little lives, because I know they are what I need right now in mine.  Thanks to all who read and pray for us....we need 'em!

Update y'all!

This is going to be a quick update!  But most of you already know of our intent to adopt; well our social worker has an opportunity for us.  It's technically not an adoption, but it is fostering; which is more than we've had in the past.  There are two little ones that were with us this past weekend and will also be here again this weekend.  They are scheduled to move to our home soon. They are so sweet and loving.  The plan is currently for reunification for these two.  But we plan on being there for them and helping them through this time in their lives. At this point I have no idea what God has in store for us, but feel strongly about these children being with us.  Maybe it's a learning opportunity for us, maybe it's more.  But at this time I plan to put my faith and life in God's hands and enjoy the ride.  Thank you all so much for your continued thoughts and prayers....and thanks for reading.

This is a very late update; but I now am willing to share.

     This is a post that will not be posted for a while b/c I'm not sure of the outcome.  Today's date is August 29, 2012.  Earlier this month we found out that we were pregnant.  Shocker!!!  Apparently going on vacation and taking it easy equals pregnant.  So take that REACH!  OK, getting back on track.  Currently we are 8 weeks along, this is the farthest we've ever gotten with out the aide of drug therapy.  We are excited and nervous of course b/c honestly we both had given up on this possibility and had accepted that fact.  We had moved forward with our adoption process.  Well here we are 3 years later and in this situation again.  I know that God works in very mysterious ways and He puts your life on His plan and not yours.  I do not doubt Him; but I wonder why we are on this path again.  Is this pregnancy different from the previous ones?  Yes, slightly.  I am taking aspirin daily to hope to fend of the "possible" antiphosphalipid syndrome.  I have had  a couple episodes of spotting; which in itself is scary.  But so far we are trucking along.  Tomorrow is another doctors appt for labs and ultrasound, which I'm very much looking forward to.  I will continue to keep everyone updated on our venture....of course it may be a little delayed.  If this all works out for us I want to tell everyone in a fun way and not via facebook post.  Some people already found out b/c of my mental breakdown after the first episode of spotting started; so for everyone else let the fun begin.  LOL.  Although none of you will read this right now; thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts for our family.  We appreciate them and keep 'em coming.

     Today is 12/12/12; obviously the above did not pan out like we hoped.  Another baby has gone to heaven.  I tell ya....it's just plum ridiculous!  But I know that God has a plan for us; and maybe he knew that adoption is our path.  But losing this pregnancy over Labor Day weekend was hard.  I didn't really tell anyone what was going on b/c I didn't want to have to tell them all if we lost another pregnancy.  There were a handful of people that knew, but honestly I wanted to be alone.  I cried, stayed in bed, and cried...a lot.  But it's been a few months and I am moving on.  I am happy that I have such a supportive husband who loves me and in no way blames me for what happens. 

     I started heavy bleeding on Labor Day and my doctors office was closed.  I called the Dr. on call at the hospital, but b/c of my history and the fact that I knew what was going on, they did not make me come in.  I stayed in bed all day and went to the OB/GYN on Tuesday.  At that time, I had an US which confirmed what I already knew.  On that day I was told that I really needed a D&C, which I quickly refused.  I had to take a medication that they give women after giving birth to make the cervix expel and shrink.  (best explanation I can think of...sorry).  I went back to the doctor on Thursday to see if all of the "tissue" had been passed...and it had.  The doctor immediately suggested that I not ever try to get pregnant again.  He also wanted to start me on BCP; which of course I've tried several and seem to have side effects to them.  Great....

     So this is where we are folks.  We have a total of 5 documented miscarriages (6 angels) and are now approved by the state of NC to be adoptive parents.  So we are still waiting on our children to come in to our lives.  Hopefully God will soon place those little angels in our home and hearts.  After everything that has happened I truly believe that adoption really is for us.  I do NOT want to go through this again, b/c you never get over what happens but you are able to move on.  That's where we are....moving on with our lives.  Thanks again for reading & your continued prayers.  God bless.

Done....sorta;)

Well folks, we are done!  Well, almost and not really.  We are officially finished with all of the home studies, fire inspections, back ground checks, credit checks, and one-on-one meetings.  Per our social worker we still have to be approved through the state of NC; which could take up to eight weeks, but for now we have finished.  After the final approval from the state we will then officially begin the waiting portion...hee hee!  We just don't know when our family will grow, so it could take up to two years.  But honestly, after all that we have been through over the last five, what is another waiting period?  So please continue to send thoughts and prayers; because those are always needed.  Thanks y'all!

Scarf Organization

     So I've decided to post some of my craft projects on this blog as well...these need to be put out into the world folks! Today I've been organizing my scarves.  If you're like me, you have a ton but nothing seems to make them easily accesible and easy to find the one you want.  So I was researching organization (A.K.A Pinterest) and found only one pin for this.  So I totally used the idea but changed it up just a little.  Here is what I did along with some of the pics taken.

     I used some old clothes hangers that I already had here at the house, some shower curtain rings (I think they were $1.20 each at Target), and a little fishing line to secure the rings to the hangers (which I also already had).

     I secured the rings to the hanger with some fishing line.  This is not completely neccesary; but if you don't then the rings will freely slide up and down the hanger.  It will not hang as straight in the closet as I like, so I tied them off a little but you are still able to adjust them if you needed more room on one side or the other.

     This is what it looks like once the rings are attached to the hanger.

     And this is the final result!  One of my problems with some of the products sold out there is that they hung too low.  I have 2 rows of hanging clothes in my closet, so some of the things that I bought just did not work...and trust me I purchased quite a few of them.  I've seen a few products at Bed, Bath, & Beyond that offer a similar solution like this one; but it would only hold about 8 scarves and cost around $20 each.  So to me this is a much better solution.  Since I already owned the hangers and fishing line; my total out of pocket cost was $2.38 for the shower rings. 

     So there you have it folks!  Thanks for looking.....

 



Trucking along

     If you're keeping up with our long trek then you know that we're on the adoption trail.  It's long, emotional, and we are not even half way through yet.  Yes, we've finished our MAPP classes and we have both had our individual interviews.  Our fire inspection is set up for next week, our home study is next month, and our physicals are scheduled.  There are still some things that need to be purchased and a little child proofing to be done, but all in all we are on track.  I have really learned a lot of patience during our long process and going through this now does not stress me out....well, not too much.  Walter and I are in a good place and we are no longer worrying about waiting for the test to be positive.  We are scheduling our vacations, I am drinking a glass of wine when I want one without the worry if I could possibly be pregnant; I feel as if a giant weight has been lifted.  I know that we will be parents.  It will happen, it's just a fact of when.  Our child may not even be born yet; it could be 3 months after we're licensed or it could be a year.  We don't know.  But honestly, we've waited this long...what is one more year?  Per our social worker, it can take about 2 months after all of our home study, physicals, and inspections are done to become licensed.  So we are looking at August or September for that to be completed.  If there is one thing that I've learned from this experience; it's that you cannot put your life on hold for the possibility of what may or may not happen.  You've got to go on that vacation, hang out with your best friend, visit your family, and spend as much time as possible with your husband.  I am really enjoying life right now.  I am enjoying not living on a CD schedule.  I am truly happy.  I know that my house is still on the quiet side, and I'm ready to fill it up, but for now that is the way it is suppose to be.  I have great friends and family in which to vent.  So for now we are happy.  We know that it will happen, we just have to wait for God to put those children in our path.  He knows our ultimate needs, so we will rely on His expertise.  Thanks all again for reading and keeping us in your prayers. 

Last MAPP

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  A lot has happened.  Most of you know that we have decided to adopt.  It is not in the cards for birth children for us, so God has put us on another path.  We have chosen to go through the foster care system here in Hickory and have had to attend 3 hour classes, 2 days a week for 6 weeks.  Tomorrow night is our last class.  That doesn't mean we are at the end, but it does mean that we are closer.  After tomorrow we will continue on in the process to be licensed foster parents in the state of NC.  The MAPP classes have offered me a lot of insight into the process and the children that come into foster care.  I really do think that Walter and I can make a huge difference in the life of a child, and I know that child will make a big difference in our life as well.  I've learned a lot over the past 6 weeks and have come to meet a lot of nice people.  Some of which are even in a very similar situation as ourselves.  It's nice to meet people and be able to discuss your situation and have them understand exactly what you're going through.  This has really been a God send for us.  I am grateful for the people that I've met, I'm grateful for everything that I've learned, and I'm thankful for the bond that Walter and I have that has made us strong enough to go through all of this.  It's amazing what you learn about yourself and your partner when life doesn't go as planned.  I've learned that Walter is a strong and sensitive man.  He's very supportive and very caring.  Now granted, some of this I already knew but it's in a new perspective now.  I'm learning that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for and some that aren't.  I'm not one for change.  I don't like to be wrong.  I'm very stubborn and can be argumentative.  But I've had to look at myself a lot here lately and feel that I'm growing as a person.  I'm becoming the person that I'm meant to be....someones mother.  Gosh, that even looks weird typing it...imagine what it sounds like in my head.  I have some very strong and supportive people in my life that have helped me through this process, most importantly is Walter.  I just love that man!  Although most of the time I want to throat check him...he is one great man.  Now this whole post has gotten extremely mushy and I must vomit.  But seriously, I do want to say thanks to all of those people keeping us in your prayers, we still need them.  We are not close to the end yet, hopefully by the end of the year, but we are getting there.  I am so thankful to all of you, it means so much.  Love you all and God bless.

Waiting....it sucks!

That's where we are folks, the waiting game is upon us.  I don't mind though.  I am excited, scared, nervous, and worried...all at the same time.  I am excited because Walter and I finally have a plan for expanding our family.  I cannot wait to see what child God puts in our lives.  I'm scared because what if I screw it up.  I am so nervous to have a little one in the house.  I want to start baby proofing everything now, but don't know if that's a little premature.  I even started cutting out coupons for diapers and am tempted to start buying those as well.  But again, I'm not sure what age child we will have here.  I feel like there is so much to do, but I have NO idea where to start.  I have a feeling that it's going to go snail slow for a while and then all of a sudden it'll be everything at once.  I want to buy furniture and fix a room up, but what if we get siblings?  Lord, how do you know?  How do I know where to start?  That itself is the answer isn't it?  Trusting in our Lord.  Sometimes I guess I just need to write it out to find the answer.  More info to come when I know it.  Thanks for all the prayers and keep them coming.  Love you all.

Acceptance Equals Power

     Acceptance really is a powerful thing.  Walter & I have been through a lot over the last 5 years, including 4 miscarriages and now the inability to get pregnant.  We did a round of IUI last year and it didn't pan out for us, but that is OK.  It really has been a roller coaster of emotions and pressure over the last few years regarding my fertility (or lack there of), and all of that pressure was put on me, by me.  Walter has always been very supportive no matter what test or procedure we were going through.  Probably over the last year I've really been doing a little soul searching while we were going through all the craziness, and I've come to realize so much.  #1, just because you can become pregnant does not make you a mother.  #2, God has a path for all of us.  Sometimes it's just a little harder to find that path, mainly because we try to follow what is in our own heads instead of what God is trying to tell us.  #3, Walter & I are meant to be parents, we will just need a little help to get there.  #4, I did NOT let my husband down because I can't give him a biological child.   Walter & I have chosen adoption and want to go through the local DSS system.  There are several reasons for this, but the main one for me is that I want to help a child locally.  I didn't want to do a private adoption because there are so many children already in foster care, you could literally change someones life.  You can take a child out of a bad situation and bring them into a home filled with love.  I am pretty excited to begin the process.  We have been approved through the initial interview, but still have a long way to go.  We have the paperwork (about 25 pages) for both myself and Walter to fill out individually.  We have to have fingerprints done, a background check, credit check, home study, references, and..... not sure what else.  I'm sure I'm leaving something out though.  I am happy to finally have a decision and feel 100% invested in that decision.  I whole-heartedly feel that we have done everything we could to have biological children, besides giving REACH $25,000 and hoping they knew what they were doing (which I didn't have confidence in).  I have accepted the fact that I am not meant to birth a child.  It was hard to come to that conclusion.  I had a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, resentment, and denial that I had to work through first.  I felt like I was going through the stages of grief, and now looking back I kind of did.  I sought out counseling, which helped me a little.  But my main source of clarity was from a friend of my sister-in-law, someone that has been through a very similar situation.  It was nice to talk to a person that knew the feelings I had and tell me that I was not crazy.  It's hard because, as a woman, that is why we are put on this earth.  We are made differently from men for the specific reason of creating and birthing life.  I felt that my husband was going to be disappointed in me because I couldn't produce.  But you know what?  Walter loves me, he's here for me, we are going through this together, and there is no blame here.  I no longer feel like the infertility defines me.  I am not angry with pregnant women.  I can listen to women talk about their kids without having to walk out of the room for fear of crying.  Now, it's only a simple detail about me.  I cannot birth children.  But I am still meant to be a mom, and now I know that I will be.  I know that through God, prayer, family support, and friends I am finally on my correct path. 

No luck...

     Well this cycle of IUI did not pan out like we hoped.  Unfortunately AF came of CD 23, which just happened to be Friday the 13th, and I thought wasn't suppose to happen because of all the fun hormones I was taking.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a superstitious person, but I find it memory-jogging.  So now Walter and I are trying to figure out our next step.  When I called REACH on Friday their response was "come in on CD 3 to try again" (another IUI round).  I guess I was expecting a little sympathy or empathy from the nursing staff.  I don't know why I expected that now because it's not like I've received it before...with the exception of one nurse, Marcey.  I am lost...and upset...and depressed...and ticked...and every other emotion in the book.  I feel like a failure, not only to myself but to my husband as well.  Now, I am not saying that he has ever even hinted around that he is disappointed in me not being able to carry a child, but that is what is going through my head.  I feel like I've let him down because I cannot give him a biological child.  It's the most normal thing in the world, right?  I mean, that's what we women do, we are made to have children.  God made us this way.  I feel broken in a way.  I mean, don't get me wrong it could be a lot worse.  I am still healthy and have a long life ahead of me, so it's not as if I'm dying from some awful disease.  But still, I'm not quite...whole.  Maybe it's the simple fact of needing children in my life.  Not necessarily giving birth to a child, but actually having a child in my life.  Someone that I can watch grow and learn.  Someone to teach how to ride a bike.  OK, who am I kidding?  It would sooo be Walter who does that, I'm just not that good at it.  But dang it, I got other mad skills!  So here comes the part in our life where we decide the rest of our lives.  Do we stop trying naturally and go the egg donor route?  Do we go towards adoption?  Do we stop all together?  Well, I can honestly say NO to the third option.  I want kids.  Plain and simple.  Walter and I are on vacation in another week.  We haven't had a lot of time to sit and talk about it, so it will be nice to have 8 days together to do that.  I hope to have a plan of action after that week off.  More updates to come and please keep the prayers coming.  I need them and can feel God's hand, keeping me calm.  So thank you for that. 
     On a much brighter note, I visited a church today with my friend, Holly, and enjoyed it very much.  Thanks again for reading. 

Side effects? No maam, you're crazy...

     This past Friday I had to take my progesterone again.  I take it every other morning and Friday was the 2nd day of taking it.  The first time I took the medication I noticed some nausea and dizziness, but b/c I've been fighting a virus since December 31st I contributed a lot of my symptoms to that.  But this past Friday, January 6th, I was at work and all of a sudden I got that cold wash over me as if I was about to throw up and when I stood up I thought that I was going to fall over.  I also felt extremely anxious, which is out of character for me.  Now I do acknowledge that I am a worrier and sometimes (most of the time) I over think things, but this was something different.  My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest but when I checked my pulse it was completely normal.  I felt as if I couldn't get a good, deep breath.  To be honest I was really scared.  I called my RE's office and of course had to leave a message and wait for someone to call me back.  I was able to speak with a nurse at my GYN's office though and she said she would get back to me as soon as possible.  I couldn't work, b/c every time I stood up I felt like falling down.  It felt like vertigo, but the worst case I've ever had.  All of these symptoms started about 2 hours after taking the medication.  My GYN office called me back and said that b/c they don't prescribe this medication a lot that they would have to refer my possible side effects to my RE, but they did say that it sounded like side effects to them.  One of the girls at my office is a RN and said that she has these anxiety type symptoms sometimes too, and honestly as soon as I knew what they were I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself down.  Not that the symptoms completely went away, but they were better.  My RE finally called me back and said that the symptoms I was describing had never been reported by another patient.  I simply told this lady that these symptoms were in the handouts given with the medication so apparently at some point in time someone had complained of them.  The RE office was of no help!  The simply told me that if I thought that these effects were related to the medication to stop them and take a Benadryl.  That's right folks, the stinkin nurse told me to stop the medication (that is only taken every other day so obviously I'm not taking another dose for at least 2 days) and take a Benadryl.  Why thank you so much RE office.  I may not be a nurse, but by goodness I work in a physician office.  I figured that part out all on my own.  I felt like these people were not taking my case seriously at all.  To be honest, I got ticked off at them....again.
     Luckily, I have a sister-in-law who has been through a similar situation AND is also a RN.  So I called her.  She said that she does remember feeling some vertigo with her medication also (A HA!) and that there was nothing to worry about.  She did some research for me and after I gave her some of the clinical information for the medication we were able to come up with a plan to change the time of day that I take the medicine.  I know that the doctor said every other morning, but obviously that ain't working for me.  So we decided to take it a little early and do it at bedtime.  I took the medicine last night before bed, about 7 hours earlier, and woke up with some nausea and vertigo.  No where near as bad as Friday's symptoms.  But no anxiety!  Woo hoo!
     I can't just stop this medicine b/c we have come so far with this IUI cycle.  I can't just give up now.  The medicine is there to give my body a little more time for this pregnancy (hopefully) to have a chance.  And just stopping it will send a message that it's time for AF, not what I want.  Especially since I spent 6 days giving myself shots and countless lab tests and ultrasounds.  So for now, I am taking the medicine at bedtime and so far, so good.  After all that hoopla with my RE office, all I needed was someone to listen to me and validate that these effects that I'm having are real and how to fix them.  Geez people!  Thank God for my sister-in-law who was able to research for me and listen to me and give me an option for how to proceed.  And guess what?  It worked!
    Oh, and P.S.  I googled the anxiety issue and a TON of women complained of this with the type of progesterone that I'm on.  So (raspberry sound) to you REACH!
   

Just felt like writing again.

     There is no new information with our pregnancy situation, but I just felt like writing again.  I don't want people to think that if I can't get pregnant or carry a child to term that we are giving up on children.  We are definitely not!  Just because I may not be able to birth a child doesn't mean that I am not meant to be a mother.  There are plenty of kids that need homes out there.  Plus I have had a lot of contact with people recently who are associated with adoption; whether they have adopted children themselves or they work with foster children.  Sometimes you just don't know where God is going to take you.  You can't know.  He keeps that to Himself, kind of like a surprise.  But sometimes you feel like you are being pulled in one direction or another.  And right now I feel like I've been put in contact with people who deal with adoption for a reason.  I am desperately hoping that I am pregnant now AND that I can carry the child to term.  With that being said, I want to adopt.  If it's now or in a few years, I want to adopt a child.  I want to give a child a different life.  If it turns out that I cannot have a biological child, I do not want to move forward with egg donation.  My head is not wrapped around egg donation, and I can't seem to get there.  Plus it is extremely expensive...money that we just do not have.  Now I know that adoption can be expensive sometimes also, but to me it's just not the same.  Why adopt an egg from another person when you can adopt a child.  One that's already here in this world and needs a good home.  To me, I feel like adopting a child would change a life...and I don't mean the child.  I think that it would very rewarding and fulfilling.  Whatever we end up doing and however our lives change, I want to go at it at 100%.  I want to be fully invested in whatever choice we make, and right now that is the IUI.  So I am doing absolutely everything I can to make sure this goes according to plan.  But part of me is still planning for the worst.  Part of me can't help but be pessimistic about pregnancy b/c I've had such horrible experiences.  So please keep praying for us, b/c we do need them.  We need God to continue to guide us to our path.  Thank you all again for reading and I love ya!

It's possible....

     Well as you may or may not know, Walter and I went to REACH on Saturday, December 31, 2011 for an IUI.  The procedure itself was pretty simple and painless.  It was easy.  What is not easy is this 2 week wait before you can do a pregnancy test.  2 WEEKS!  I'll be crazy by then.  I've had to start on Progesterone, beginning today (CD 14), and doing them every other day until....well I don't know when b/c my doctor office didn't mention that part.  But I assume it's until I'm either pregnant or AF comes.  One thing I've realized (one of the many I should say) is that I am not too impressed with REACH.  The office is soooo big and they have too many patients.  It's like a cattle farm.  When we were there on Saturday there must have been 10 other couples also....at the same time.  They just put us all in different rooms and did IUI after IUI after IUI.  Factory.  An IUI factory.  I am losing a lot of confidence with this office and would not go any further with them, but IUI if cheap in the whole grand scheme of things.  ($672.00 if you were wondering, plus all of the meds which were $1600 in our case.)  Walter and I have already discussed not moving forward with them if this IUI does not work out.  So we shall see what may come of this cycle.  I don't know if I have expressed my disappointment regarding REACH in previous posts, but let's begin.  I like the doctor.  Dr. Katz if very knowledgeable and really seems to know his stuff.  He's also very nice.  But, I have called and gotten false information from the staff re: medicine changes, appt information, new start meds, and overall advice on how to proceed.  This has not happened once or even twice, but many times.  We keep going back b/c we've invested a lot of money and time into this already and hate to start over.  But that is very well what we may do if this doesn't work. 
     Will this work?  Heck if I know.  I read blogs where people are trying 4, 5, & 10 IUI cycles to get pregnant and here I am hoping on number 1.  Hey it could happen.  One of the big questions for me is, what happens if it does work?  Will I stress every single day over whether I'm going to lose this pregnancy too?  Probably.  And if I do lose the pregnancy, how do I cope?  I've been through 4 so far, can I do another?  I want a child so badly that I think that I have to try.  I just have to.  We just have to.  This blog is totally from my point of view, but I know Walter wants a child just as badly as I do.  Trust me folks, he ain't gettin any younger...where I never age (LOL). 
     Part of me wants this IUI to work out so bad and part of me is a nervous wreck that it will happen.  How crazy is that?  How crazy am I?  Actually a lot right now.  I feel like I am not myself this cycle.  I feel like a crazy person!  I got so mad at Walter tonight...no I mean pissed off!  I got to thinking about it and was embarrassed at how I acted.  I was so mad and just feeling like I was crawling out of my skin.  Good thing is this is only day 1...woo hoo!  (That was a sarcasm for the sarcastically challenged).  Other side effects?  Exhaustion, very sore bbs, and overall achey feeling.  But b/c I took 2 HCG shots last week I don't know where the side effects are coming from.  Plus I feel like I'm getting sick too, but again don't know which Sx to treat.  Per other blogs and websites that I've read, the HCG can stay in your system for 12 days, so another reason to not take a HPT. 
     Now I feel as if this blog is ongoing and will never end.  Sounds like a good place to stop.  I will write more later and definitely after the 16th (when I can take a HPT) or if AF comes first.  I probably will not post about that.....but you get my drift.  Again, I would like to thank all of my family and friends for their continued support and prayers.  I love y'all!

The end of another year...

Well, it's the end of another year and still no children.  But hopefully that all will change soon.  If you have read my previous blog then you know that we are trying a round of IUI.  That is going pretty good.  I've had to do 2 hormone shots daily for 5 days, tomorrow I will do 2 HCG "trigger" shots and then go to REACH on Saturday morning at 7 (that's right!  7am on my day off).  I will have labs and an US done, if all looks well then at 11am the Dr. will do the IUI.  So fingers crossed!  But honestly I know children will be in our future, I just know it.  I don't know how; adoption, IUI, egg donation, or surrogacy, but they will be there.  There are so many children in foster care that need loving homes, and guess what?!  Walter and I have a home and LOTS of love to give.  I do promise to write more this weekend after the procedure (hopefully it will happen).  But to be honest I am a little nervous.  On December 31st I could possibly get pregnant.  It could happen!  No if you truly know me, then you know that I will be stressing until I am able to take a pregnancy test.  I will want to find out every single day, and waiting is not my strong suit. Of course if we don't get pregnant I may honestly be a little crushed.  I know that it is a long shot and I can't put a lot of faith in it...but it could happen.  Right?  I know that this post is up and down, but I just can't help it!  I tell you....I'm crazy!!!  These hormones are making me a little (a lot) loopy.  So thanks for reading and I will write more later b/c honestly I do believe that my brain is a little wonky.  So again, thanks and more to come.

IUI Anyone?

     That's right, you got it!  Walter and I have come to a decision...at least for now.  One of the obstacles that I am trying to overcome is the fact that I may have "bad" eggs.  We don't know for sure b/c there is not a test for that, so it's a lot of guessing and experience on my doctors behalf.  But before we decide to give up on biological children, I have to try again...with drugs this time.  We have decided to try a round of IUI (intrauterine insemination).  So for 5 days I will take 3 shots a day, not alcohol, but hormones.  So there goes the work place!!  (As if I'm not emotional enough!).  But we try to stimulate my ovaries to the extreme and hopefully get a "good" egg, then we do the IUI.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, it kind of is.  It's the least invasive and also least expensive.  That, unfortunately, is playing a pretty big role in our decision.  It would be different if you could get a guarantee....but that would cost $40,000 instead of the whole $25,000.  That's right folks I said $25,000 just to get to the point of pregnancy!  That is not a guarantee either, that's only a one time shot, rolling all of the dice on it.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  What my doctor thinks is that I have genetically unstable eggs, and that's why I keep miscarrying.  Now he is not saying that I don't also have the antiphosphalipid syndrome (clotting disorder while pregnant), that is also possibility.  But the biggest hump (no pun intended) is to get me pregnant(get the pun now?), then try to find a way to keep it.  The doctor says that there is always the possibility that we will get pregnant on our own and will carry the baby to term, but it's a slim chance.  He says that all of my eggs can't be bad.  But, for now we are going to go the IUI route and pray for a miracle, so any extra prayers y'all want to send our way would be greatly appreciated. 

     You know, I am very thankful for the time that Walter and I have had to just be married and spend time with each other, but I also know that we are both ready to fill this silent house with lots of noise.  We both want kids badly, and I know that if it is meant to be...it will.  But sometimes it is really hard to wait for God's plan.  I know that He has one, and I've seen it first hand in other parts of my life.  However, while we are in the midst of our journey it's hard to see the whole path.  It's hard to wait, and I keep trying to make little things into big & meaningful signs.  Part of me sees all of our trials as a sign in itself, that we aren't meant to have kids.  But I'm not willing to stop our journey.  Because even though those setbacks occurred I still believe that children are meant to be in our lives.  I'm glad that it didn't happen earlier in my life, b/c I know that I was really not ready...but I have grown a lot and am ready for a little craziness in my life.  OK, a little more craziness.  I am really trying to stay positive, and for the most part I am.  Walter is great though.  He is always positive, and level headed.  I'll go through one of my crazy "lets give up" waves and he'll talk me down.  I'll be crying about not having kids and he'll cheer me up.   I am truly blessed to have him.  There was a time in my life when I wondered why my first marriage didn't work out, but now I know it's b/c God had a much better person in mind for me.  Thanks for listening and please keep those prayers coming.  Love you all.

Long time, no talk

     Walter and I are still on the search for some kids....anyone offering?  Kidding!  (maybe....).  Honestly though, we do have another appointment with Dr. Katz on Thursday, 10/06/11.  We just went through an entire process of jumping through hoops to hopefully have my sister, Kacie, be an egg donor.  We had to see a psychologist (we are NOT crazy....at least not too bad), we had to have records sent in, and take personality tests.  This whole process took us about 4 months.  After all of that, the psychologist told us that we were all good to have my sis be a donor....woo hoo!  Right?  Well not so much.  It took one phone call to really screw up those plans.  First of all the hospital where Kacie delivered her baby sent medical records that were not hers to my RE.  Let's just say that this was a huge mistake on the hospitals part b/c it was of another person with the same name but different DOB.  So anyway it was b/c of that mistake that I found out they would not allow my sister to donate...well not anytime soon.  Apparently there is a questionnaire that should be sent out to all prospective donors.  One of the questions is "are you a smoker?".  Well my sister is and has been for a while.  This questionnaire was never mailed to my sister.  So during the conversation with the nurse regarding false information about my sister (drug abuse and another child) the nurse states that this other patient is a smoker.  My response is "well so is my sister".  Not thinking that this would be a big deal b/c I see people all of the time that smoke and have kids.  Apparently REACH does not want your prospective donor to smoke for at least 3-6 months before donating.  I say all of this b/c it took us 4 months to jump through enough hoops to be allowed to use my sister.  If that one question would have been asked prior to starting all of this my sis could have stopped smoking (which she offered to do) and we would still be on our way to kids.  My sister has still offered to stop smoking, which I want her to do more than just for me.  But Walter and I feel like this is just another hurdle on our venture to parenthood.  We are going to talk with Dr. Katz and see what other options we have, we are trying to keep all doors and windows open...don't want to close anything too early.  And here I find myself at another crossroad.  I don't want to go into too many details b/c most of it will be a very private decision, but please pray that we make the right one.  Please pray that God helps us in this decision and shows us His path. 

     On a different note, Walter and I just participated in our first bike ride.  10 miles for pediatric cancer research.  I was extremely nervous but everything went really well.  I even did a lot better than I thought I would.  10 miles in 1:07 hours!  For someone who has never ridden 10 miles at one time in my entire life, I am thrilled!  I am also participating in my first 5K in about 3 weeks.  I've plateaued off on my weight loss, I'm stuck at 50 pounds.  Don't get me wrong, that it great.  My cholesterol is back to normal (trig went from 427 to 148), so I'm thrilled with the loss.  But there is more to do.  Now I'm trying to add exercise in to my regime, and a 5K is a perfect way to get motivated.  Plus the BFF is coming up to wog (walk/jog) with me for support. 

     And finally, Walter and I going on another cruise in November to celebrate our 5th anniversary.  I can't wait!  (Another reason to lose weight).  We are going to places that I've never been and I love being with the man-candy, especially on a ship....no cell service!  That means no work calls.  Lovely. 

     Thanks for reading and praying for us.  Please continue to do so.  Love ya and God bless.

A Long Awaited Update

     A lot has happened over the last few months.  We have seen our RE, Dr. Katz, a few times and may have an answer.  I have stopped saying that we have an answer b/c when I say that it seems as if a new problem arises.  But the doctor has found that I have about half the amount of follicles that I should.  My egg supply is also really decreased.  Dr. Katz seems to think that b/c my egg supply is pretty low, that that itself could be the reason for our multiple miscarriages.  He seems to think that the eggs that I do have are not stable.  So after tons of more labs and radiology tests, our best bet for children is an egg donor.  Not my worst case scenario, that would be that I couldn't actually carry a child.  So I have hope that carrying a child is in my future.  Now my problem lies with finding a donor.  Sure everyone throws their hat in the ring to offer when the process begins, but when push comes to shove you really find out who means what they say.  If it's not already assumed by most, I'm completely frustrated.  Of course that too seems to be my theme of blogging.  Frustration.  Yeah, that's me.  I am about to my end with this stress.  I am about done with begging for help.  I am about to the point where I take my future in my own hands and make what I want to happen...happen.  I have an appt with a psychologist (required by the RE before egg donation) on July 28.  Hopefully within the next few weeks we'll be a little closer to our goal.  I will definitely try to update as we move forward with our extremely long journey. 

     One good thing that has happened is that Walter and I went on a cruise to Nassau.  It was my first cruise, so we chose to do just 3 days in case I couldn't handle it.  But it was nice, I enjoyed myself.  I do want to do another one, but it will have to be longer...for sure!  I would love to get my whole family together and do one.  That would be awesome!  Maybe someday.  So this is all for now.  Mainly I had to really get my feelings out and vent a little.  So thanks, as always, for listening.  God bless & until next time. 

New goals

Well a few things have happened since the last post. One of which is that we have now seen an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). At this point we really do not have any additional information. We are doing some more labs and testing. So I will update that when we have all of the info.

 I do have a new goal though. Anyone who knows me knows that I've been on a weight loss journey since December 2007. I started to lose weight after beginning a low fat diet,and to date I've lost 48 pounds. Recently I've really begun adding exercise in because dieting alone will not get you where you want to be. I am inspired by my best friend, Heather. She and her husband, Jeff, have taken control of their lives also through diet and exercise. Within their journeys they have begun doing 5K's. I envy that. I am in a whole lot better shape now than I was 3 years ago. I think back, and then I couldn't even walk a mile without being out of breath. And now I'm wogging (this is what Heather calls walking/jogging) the 3.1 miles with no problems. Well, I'm not saying that it's a piece of cake b/c it is work. But it's work that I am happy to do. Hell it's work that I'm happy that I'm able to do. I look forward to working out now. I now have a goal, b/c in June I will be doing my first ever race. I am excited! Now I have a deadline. I have something to work towards. Since I hit my plateau I lost the motivation. Now don't get me wrong b/c I will never gain the 48 pounds back that I lost, but the motivation to continue was gone. But Heather has inspired me. I have a new goal, which is to do this race. Not win or even jog the whole thing, but to simply finish. Sure I've lost weight and feel a lot better, but the original "steam" that I had was gone. I feel more rejuvenated and ready. Ready to do a race and possibly one day jog the whole thing. Then eventually run & win a 5K. So new goals are in place and I'm starting strong. Do I want to continue to lose weight? Of course. But I feel different about it now. I feel like becoming healthier is more important. Strange isn't it?

Thanks for reading y'all. Also thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts for me and my family.