What's going on you ask?

Well friends, it has been a very eventful last couple of weeks. As most of you know I had an HSG performed around October 21st. The procedure itself wasn't bad, but it did take a lot longer than originally thought. In the end, the test was normal. Which is awesome...of course that doesn't really give us an answer. The radiologist told me that a lot of women get pregnant after having this test done. Well, we did. I found out really early that we were pregnant, but started spotting shortly after. I went to the doctor on Wednesday, where they did my HCG levels. My level was at 1304, which startled the doctor. They called me and wanted me to come in the next day to do an US and more labs. The doctor was afraid that I may have been pregnant when I had the HSG done. The US was normal, but my HCG levels were down to 1094. That evening I started spotting and it was getting heavier. At that point I knew we were losing this pregnancy too. It was a very emotional experience. You would think having been through this 3 times before that I would be sortof used to it...but I'm not. No matter how many times or how early you lose, it still hurts. Granted I felt better after a couple of days, and on Friday my levels were down to 600. I didn't want to talk about it for a few days, but finally feel up to it. Also I really feel like that this was God's way of telling me that this baby was not meant to be. I know in my heart that kids are in our future...it just hasn't hit me how we're going to get them. We are open to adoption and surrogacy. But I will keep you updated in our journey.

One awesome thing is that I've decided dieting alone will not get the remainder of my weight off. To date I have lost 42 pounds. It was 46 but with everything going on plus all of the Halloween candy I bought (not one trick-or-treater) and therefore ate I gained 4 pounds back. Currently I am 31 pounds away from my original weight goal, so technically I'm more than half way there. The problem is that I've been on a plateau for months, so exercise must come into play. I woke up this morning and did some cardio before getting ready for work. I felt great all day. We will have to see how long I can keep this up. My diet has been better this week as well. I will continue to update my progress also.

Thanks friends and family for your thoughts and prayers. I know they are there b/c I can feel them everyday. I trust that God is working here, I just have to be patient. I love you and God bless.

Update

Well there is no big news yet. I know that I was a little frustrated the other day...but sometimes I really need to vent it all out. Walter has been wonderful. He is still so positive, which brings me back to reality and keeps me on track. We do have an appt with Dr. Dufour (fertility) next month and we are going to do another round on Clomid this month. Although to be honest, I really don't want to. I hate the side effects...but the possibilities make it all worth it. We are hoping that we have a better idea of ovulation after the OPK's last month. I am hoping and praying for some great news soon! To be honest, I am so tired of hearing and seeing pregnant people. Damn! Is it in the water? I'm trying not to cuss these people out, so if you are one of these people and I do...please understand that I am going through a heck of a lot right now. No! I do not want to hear about your 4th cousin twice removed who is finally pregnant after 4 long years of trying. I don't care!! OK, so maybe I wasn't completely done with my venting. Thanks to those people who offered helpful advice, prayers, and understanding of my craziness. I really am grateful. I just have a few people in my daily life who don't understand that telling me about someone they know just finding out that they are pregnant is not really helpful for me. Nor does it make me feel better or optimistic. Please keep those prayers going, we need them right now. I love you and thanks again.

Completely frustrated!!!

Today I am so frustrated, sad, angry, and overall...depressed. Walter and I have been trying to get pregnant for some time now. The doctors have me on Clomid, b/c they thought that I was not ovulating, for 4 months now. The pills really make me crazy. But I've taken them. This month I also did the OPK (ovulation predictor kits) to see exactly when I'm ovulating. Originally the doctors thought that I was ovulating early b/c my levels were so low. Well according to the OPK, I'm actually late. So we have been trying all month, and I checked my levels yesterday at work, got the results today, and they are even lower than last month. I really thought that we did it this month (hee hee) but if I go by my labs...not so much. I took an early pregnancy test and it was negative. I just don't what is going on. I'm so tired of trying and testing and labwork. I want kids soooo bad and now it seems like it's never going to happen. Our infertility started after my D&C, so something has to be wrong....right? I looked into surrogacy and it's around $60,000. With adoption it's similar in price if you do a private adoption, but if you go through the foster system it's hard to find babies. And I hate to say it...but I want a baby-baby. The doctors are talking about IUI (intra-uterine insemination), which again is expensive and there is no guarantee I will be able to carry a child to term, as the doctors do not know why I continue to miscarry. I am in need of prayers people!! I need courage, strength, hope, optimism, and health. If everyone who reads this could please send that up for me I would appreciate it. Thanks ya'll. Love you!

Memories Part 2

My mom read my previous blog and made a very good point. I was having a hard time the other night because I was thinking about Pop. I miss him dearly. But my mom is right. There are people still in this world that won't be here forever. I have to work on making new memories with them. I'm not saying that I won't breakdown again because I miss Pop. But I am going to try to focus more on the people still with me. I will see all of my loved ones again one day. And in Heaven's time, it won't be long. It may seem like forever here on earth, but in Heaven things are different. I know that I am being watched over by my loved ones, and I still have a lot of family left here on this earth. So between the two, I am so loved. So thank you Mom for making a valid point. I love you so much.

Memories

It is about midnight and I'm sitting in bed wide awake. All kinds of things are running through my head, most of which revolve around Pop. For some reason he has been on my mind a lot here lately. I keep thinking about the day he died and all of the things I could have changed. After I got off of work on that Monday, I thought about going to my parents house but then I decided that I just really wanted to go home and eat dinner. I got home, changed into pajamas, and started cooking dinner. I wasn't home 15 minutes before my sister, Kacie, called me to tell me that the EMS was there because Pop was in bad shape. At that time I worked in Spartanburg but lived in Gastonia, so it took me 45 minutes to get back to Spartanburg. By the time I got there he was gone. I keep thinking that if I would have just gone with my gut and headed to my parents house that things may have been different. Maybe I would have noticed the signs of his heart attack. I could have given him aspirin and called EMS immediately. I would have been able to do CPR when he collapsed. My mom and sister were there, but neither of them are in the medical field. Kacie attempted CPR after he collapsed and while Mom was talking to 911. Maybe things would be different. I don't know that. He may have ended up dying anyway, maybe it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. But I just keep blaming myself for not paying attention to my instincts. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him more than I do my own dad (who died in 2001). I just can't seem to get these things off of my mind and I thought that if I wrote them out I would feel better. Do I? Not really. I still hurt. I'm still crying. Will my brain stop turning tonight long enough for me to get some sleep? Unknown. My mom misses Pop so much too, she and I talked about him this morning. Kacie is still torn up about having to perform CPR on him. Kaleigh still talks about how much she misses her papa. Poor little Emma will never meet him. Tracey is still upset because she wasn't there (at the time she lived in Alabama). So all in all our family is missing a huge piece of our whole. It even feels a little empty sometimes. I just need to know in my heart, and I do, that one day he and I will see each other again. And a part of me can't wait. I miss him so much. I love you Pop!

Anything new?? Not really.

Well there isn't really a lot to tell. We are still trying to get pregnant but atleast the medicine is working. I am now ovulating, of course it's very sporadic. I hate taking the clomid. It really puts a crazy spin on my hormones. I am crying, screaming, depressed, and laughing all in the same breath it feels like. I'm mean to people, and I don't intend to be. I am the most mean to my loved ones and I'm sorry for that. I am just praying that I don't have to take it for too long. I am currently on the third month, so there is always hope. I know that we have a lot of people out there on our side. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm kindof glad that Walter is at work tonight b/c I am definately in one of my foul moods. So maybe going to bed early will make me feel better.

Walter and I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and we took my niece, Kaleigh, and Heather's daughter, Gracie, with us. The girls are 5 and 6 respectively. We had a blast. The girls were a lot of fun and full of energy. It gave us a little insight into what it would be like to have kids. We played and fussed and played some more. Originally I was hoping that when we did have children that it would be a girl...now I'm thinking I'd like to have boys. I think that they'd be easier. Girls are always so.....girly. Gosh I know that's not a very good description, but you all will know what I mean. I did post some pics on facebook if you would like to see. We had a very good time.

I'm sorry that this is such a short post, but no one has been blogging so I'm putting my foot down. Blog people. I needs to know what's going on. So out with it!!

OK talk to you all later. Holla!!

Fearful

Since Walter and I are now trying to get pregnant I've been thinking a lot about...well everything. We are currently doing rounds of Clomid each month to try to help get us there. But that's not what really scares me. What is scaring me is after we get pregnant. Because we are not completely sure what is making me miscarry I am worried of what could happen. Of course working in the medical field I see a lot of things that worry me. Here is what is currently on my mind. The doctors think that I have a sort of clotting disorder that occurs when I get pregnant. Well I am already taking aspirin daily on the advice of my GYN and Cardiologist. But lets just say that we get pregnant and all goes well. But what happens if I throw a clot? What happens if I get a PE? I am so afraid of getting hurt or dying. How crazy is that? I mean I want children more than anything, but I don't want to not be able to enjoy them. I know this is insane. I know that we have no idea what will happen in our lives and that we have to trust in God. But I am fearful. I am afraid of not having children. Now I'm afraid of dying from having them. I'm afraid that we'll never have a family of our own. I don't want to be in this big house all by myself all the time. What keeps me sane is knowing that one day we'll have little ones running around. But what if something happens during the delivery and I'm not able to enjoy it? We have several patients that have had some sort of embolism due to labor/delivery. They are fine now but you never know. I guess we need to take it one step at a time. I need to actually get pregnant first. But in my heart I don't know if I can go through this whole ordeal again. I don't know if I can stand the constant worry that something is about to happen. That I'm about to miscarry at any minute. I also know that does not help when you're pregnant. So I am just full of fear and worry NOW. Please everyone please pray for us. Pray that all will be well, happy, healthy, and worry-free. Thank you all so much for hearing me. Love you.

Update on....everything.

In a previous blog I said that I had blood work done at my GYN appt. Those results did come back and were normal. I continue to have to do a certain lab test, Lupus Anticoagulant. It's a test for a clotting disorder called antiphosphalipid (sp?) syndrome. In the past I've had one positive test for this syndrome, you have to have two in order to be diagnosed. This last test was significantly lower than any previous test I've done. Good? I can't take it at face value. The time I had a positive test was within 2 weeks of a miscarriage. I've done 4 of these tests total and 2 were about 6-8 weeks after a miscarriage and the tests were normal, but they were on the very high end of normal. This is a disorder that is only active during pregnancy. So it would make sense for this test to be a lot lower since I'm having an issue getting pregnant. So when Walter and I do get pregnant again I am going to insist that we redo this test again. But the good news is that the clomid (fertility med) is working. I had to do a lab test this week to see if I was ovulating and it came back normal, as opposed to low which would mean negative ovulation. So it means that I did ovulate this month. Woo Hoo!!! My doctor should call me next week and let me know if I have to continue clomid. I want to. I don't have crazy side effects to the medicine and if it works....why not? So I will continue to update on my progress. And hopefully soon we will be on our next step, by which I mean pregnant. Love you all and continued thanks for the prayers.

Good Times & Positive Thinking

Well folks I am in a good place right now. I gave a little info in my previous blog, but here is an updated version. I took my first dose of Clomid today. I was a little afraid that I would have some crazy reaction to it immediately. I know that I may go a little crazy later b/c of the hormones, but in my head I saw me laying in my bed crying at a Kleenex commercial. (I know it's very far-fetched). But I've heard so many stories from different people that have had to take this medicine. And I know to only listen to half of what people tell me too. But I am really looking forward to this. I am so happy right now people. I was getting very frustrated (as seen in my previous blog). I was upset b/c Walter and I have been trying to get pregnant for almost a year (this time, 3 years total) & we were not successful. I am glad to know that it's not the lack of scrumpy or the timing...but I'm not ovulating. I know that sounds crazy too. The fact that I'm happy b/c I know I'm not ovulating, but I have an answer to one problem. I am now taking this medicine and there is a chance for a multiples pregnancy. But let's be honest folks...I'm getting on up there, so I need me some kids now. I will take as many as I can get all at once. Honestly, I don't care either way. I just want a healthy child(ren). So we have one answer, but still no answer as to why I continue to miscarry. I did some blood work this past Thursday, and maybe that will give a clue why, so pray for me there. I just want to say that I appreciate all of the prayers, thoughts, and kind words; they really do help me get through some things. And plus you all listening to me vent keeps out of therapy. Hee hee! I will keep you all updated on our progress. Love ya!

Answer?? Possibly...we'll see.

Well today I had a doctor's appt w/ my Gyn. As most of you know, Walter and I have had a hard time getting pregnant since I had the D&C last June. Well my menstrual cycle has only been 22 days as opposed to the normal 28 day cycle. After speaking to my Gyn today, she says that it sounds like I'm not ovulating. Apparantly no matter how much Walter & I do "it" lately it wouldn't have made a difference. So now I'm starting on a medication to help me ovulate normally. I'm hoping this works. Also I had to do some blood work to tell if there is anything else going on to cause me to have multiple miscarriages...so we'll see how it comes out in a day or so. But again I just wanted to thank everyone for all of their wonderful thoughts and prayers. I love you all so much. Don't worry I'll keep you all updated.

Thank you

I want to thank you all for the kind words. It meant a lot. I also want to thank you for allowing me to vent. It really did help, I feel better. I was able to get a lot of things off my chest that have been there for a very long time. I am just hoping that one day Walter and I will be able to start a family of our own. I am so happy with him, he makes me smile & laugh. He's so good to me. And I know that he would be a great father. You know that hurts a little too. He wants to be a dad about as much as I want to be a mom. So we're both in the same boat...even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I know that one day we will have children, whether it's biological or adoption. I am certain of that now. And just think if we adopt, no painful pregnancy. (That was so a joke people. Just trying to keep it light). I think I am now getting to the point where I don't hate people that are pregnant. I can look at them and not feel envy...well not a lot of envy. I can talk to people about their pregnancies again. I feel good. I feel like it's only a matter of time. Of course then next month will come and it may be the same blog all over again...who knows? But one thing does have to change. We cannot live our lives around trying to get pregnant. I mean honestly, that's only part of the battle. Even if we do get pregnant, we still have to hold on to it. There's no guarantee that'll happen. So I think that I'm focusing on us. On Walter & my life, our love, and our time together. I want us to have memories and things to be able to tell our kids when they get older...so we gotta do those things. Again though...wait until I vent next month. (ha ha). So again thank you all who read this and left me those wonderful messages of love and inspiration. I love you all.

Frustration! Explosions are imminent!

I know that I fuss a lot about our pregnancy issues. But to be honest I'm more frustrated now than I've ever been. I'm so tired of worrying about what day is best, i.e. "is this day # 8 or 10?" "What cycle am I on this month?" (B/c my cycles are sooo way off that it's hard to tell if I'm on a 22 or 28 day cycle). I'm tired of counting the days every single month. And if I'm on a shorter cycle when do I try to conceive? Should I start on day 8? If the cycle is longer, is it then day 14? Who the hell knows? And mostly I'm tired of hearing advice like "just do it all the time" or "just relax, it'll happen". I know that this advice is given from the heart and those from whom it is offered are loving and well meaning. But let's be honest here people...can anyone really do "it" everyday? No. Why? B/c Walter works crazy shifts and I don't see him everyday, there will be times when I don't see him for 3-4 days at a time. Also I'm beginning to feel like doing "it" is becoming more of a chore as opposed to what it should be...beautiful, love, & cherished. I count days, do "it", count some more, and then pray that my cycle doesn't start. What happens when it does? I get mad and tired and frustrated. I feel like crying right now. I don't think that some people can understand what I'm going through. It's hard. I've had 3 documented miscarriages, I'm about to turn 32, at the age of 35 the risk of birth defects increases, and my mom went through menopause at a very early age (37). So I am on a time limit here. I know that sounds crazy. I want a family and feel like I'm going through hell every month. I'm really at a loss. I know that people have been praying for us, and thank you for that. But what is the next step? I've made an appt with my GYN for next week to discuss some of my issues. I just feel so alone.
Another of my problems today is that I miss my Pop so much. They say that with time, the loss gets easier to deal with. And in some aspects, that's true. I can listen to songs now without crying. I can think about him and not break down. But I do think of him daily. I miss him. Some days are definitely better than others, but a day like today will cause a person to drink.
I love my family. They are the greatest, I just wish that I got to see them more often. Same with my friends. I haven't seen or spoken to Heather in forever. I'm finally going out to dinner with Brooke this weekend. It's been months since I've seen her. I'm only able to drive to Spartanburg about every other month, so seeing all of my friends and family is not frequent enough.
Thank you all so much who read and pray for us. Thank you for letting me vent my frustrations. I do feel better afterwards. Love you all!

Just an update!

I know that it has been almost a month since my last update, so here it goes. I know during my last post I was going to lose 8 more pounds. Well to be honest people I've gained 4 pounds. I know, I know. I suck right now. I have been doing a lot more working out. I've been running...that's right people, I said I was running on the treadmill. I've taken out some frustration on my punching bag and some ab work. So I'm really hoping that the weight that I've gained is some muscle and not actual weight. Atleast that's what I'm telling myself. I do feel thinner...but can't really tell just looking at myself. But I do plan on keeping up the routine. I do want to post some pics of before and after. So maybe you will be able to tell.

Walter and I are still trying to get pregnant too. So that is throwing a little hump in my weight loss routine. I don't want to go crazy with exercise if I could be pregnant. (As of right now..no) But also I think that I'm just thinking too hard about it. So I'm going to try to chill out and as my momma said...Boom. It'll just happen.

Walter and I are thinking about putting in a pool in July. We are just now beginning the process so hopefully we'll get to use it some this summer. That is if everything works out money-wise.

And finally you all would be super proud of me. I have put all of my credit cards in the safe. I did keep out my visa just in case, but all of the others are safe and sound. I am really trying to get out of debt. I have paid off 5 out of 9 cards. And 2 cards I have are at 0% interest. Those will be paid off very soon. I'm really excited b/c I have a plan in place. I am on track to be out of credit card debt in about 12 months. Maybe a little sooner, if other things happen.

So all of you are now up to date on my life...for now. I will put some pics on here soon. Thanks ya'll and love you!!

Weight Loss Update!

Ok so maybe I am taking a cue from my sortof BFF Heather (girl you still didn't call me back...hee hee). I know that my last post was about me getting back on track & now Heather has started putting her info online, so maybe ya'll will keep me accountable for my ups and downs. So here is the good news, 40 POUNDS LOST!!! I was sick last week so there was no working out, but today is a new day. (There may have been some Cold Stone icecream too...shhh!) So my plan after getting off of here is to do some working out. My next goal is to lose 8 pounds (that will put me under 200...WOO HOO!). So everyone keep me going. Post comments on here, post on Facebook, OR send me a text and holler for me to work out. Thanks ya'll! I will write more later with some good updating.

Random thoughts 02/10

In 01/08 I decided to change my diet. After Walter and I had our 2nd miscarriage, the doctors thought that it could have been due to my weight (then at 248 lbs). So at that point I went on a diet, well actually changed the entire way that I eat. Before I went on my "Vegas Vacation" I had lost 41 pounds (now it's more like 37) and I lost the weight by dieting alone. Of course I have been on a plateau for about 7 months now...possibly longer. But never gaining so that's good. But here lately I've decided that getting back to my regime would be best. I've started keeping track of my food intake on "myfitnesspal.com" and doing some exercise. I want to ease into it. I know that since Walter and I are trying to get pregnant again that I shouldn't really be "dieting", but it doesn't hurt to eat healthier (which is how I consider it). So my goal weight at first was 175 lbs. That means on another 36 lbs to go. But then I'm not pushing the issue too much. I'd streak my neighborhood if I got below 200....J/K!!



I've just started reading a new book series. It's called the "Black Dagger Brotherhood" series by J.R. Ward. It's pretty good, I do find it hard to put the books down, and they are about 400 pages each. Anyone who knows me, knows that I like the whole paranormal books...mostly to do with vampires. So I've just finished book #3 and cannot wait to start on #4, which I may do here shortly. I've also started reading another series by one of my favorite authors, Charlaine Harris. She writes the "Sookie Stackhouse" series (which I've read 4 times all the way through & of course it's about vampires) & I just recently picked up her "Harper Connelly" series (about a girl who can sense the dead). It is good, but not as good as the Stackhouse series, she's just an awesome writer. I'm reading so many different series right now that it's almost difficult to keep up. My mother-in-law has given me some books to read as well. So total there are about 10 books on my table.



Ok, now my booty is tired. Maybe the workout is just what I needed to make myself go to bed at a decent hour. Alright friends. I hope you all have a good night. Love ya!!

Random Info

Ok so there are so many things going through my mind right now. I just can't seem to get them all out...and I'll probably forget a few before I finish this blog. (Maybe I need some ADD meds..kidding).

Walter and I are on vacation this week. We are getting ready to head to Snowshoe, WV for a week of skiing. We're leaving today, but don't have to be in Snowshoe until Sunday. So we're spending the night at the base of the mountain for the night then heading up Sunday AM. We're leaving Friday afternoon from Snowshoe and then heading to Greensboro for Friday night. We're going to the Comedy Zone Friday night. I love that place! I love to fly to different places, but sometimes the driving vacas are a lot less stressful. So we're taking our time leaving today and spending time together. It's great.

This is the one thing I'm really excited about. In about a week Walter and I are going to begin trying to get pregnant once again. I'm finally ready to start the process over again. I know that we are one step closer to figuring out the problem that I have keeping a baby, and I pray that this time is the time where we have some babies. That's right I said babies. It has taken us a while to get to this point and I know that I want more than just one baby. I want kids...plural. So believe it or not I'm praying for a multiples pregnancy. This last pregnancy we were pregnant with twins and I was really excited...after the shock wore off. I am just ready for a family with kids and as long as it has taken us to figure out why we can't keep a pregnancy I'm afraid that we won't have a lot of time to have several different pregnancies to get the amount of kids that I want. I know that everyone that follows this is already a mother...and you're thinking that I'm crazy. But I know I'm crazy...ha ha! I know that I have a strong family support group and we would have a lot of help. Walter's family is just 30 minutes down the road & my mom pretty much lived with both of my sister's after their babies were born. I guess I am just ready to have a baby so bad that I would wish the craziness on myself. But my mom tells me how tough it was to have twins. (my sisters are twins) So I do have some idea. Of course I would be so excited for just one baby right now that I don't really care. I know that I'm babling, but I just have this on my heart and can't seem to convey what I mean or even how to say it. I have spoken to a friend who has adopted and Walter and I have even talked about that as an option. I think that we are just ready to have a family. So everyone please pray that something happens for us.

Girl's Vegas Trip 01-10

On 01/20/10 me, Heather, Holly, Crystal, Aretha, & Kim headed to Vegas for a few days. We had a lot of fun!! We did all of the touristy stuff, shopping, saw the Lion King, ate some good food, and went to a club. There's not a whole lot that you can write about it so here are a few pics to show the good times.

Our Vegas trip!!

I am getting too excited about our girl's Vegas trip. We are only 9 days out. My friend, Heather, and I went shopping over the weekend. We had a really good time. Heather found a dress at the Dress Barn and apparantly she went shopping again after I left...hee hee. But we are trying to just carry on our luggage instead of having to pay $25 each way on our flight. We're only going for 4 days so we shouldn't need more than a carry-on....right?? We'll see. You know how it can be with 6 women and depending on what we are doing, who knows what we will take. We have our rooms booked at the Stratosphere and our car is rented. Actually can I say that our minivan is rented. When you have 6 people it is impossible to find a "cool" car to rent without paying a fortune. So we will be rocking it out in Vegas in a minivan. I know, I know. Don't be jealous. Our flights are booked and I think there are a couple of people that have never been on a plane. So that will be interesting. I'm ready to start packing for the trip...of course I've been ready for weeks but was told that I should wait on that. (Good idea). Walter says that since I am going with the girls, he gets to go with the guys later. No problem....but he only gets 4 days. Last night he said that he should go with me and 5 other women b/c I would have something to do and he could play Texas Hold 'Em the entire time...but he quickly changed his mind when he realized it was me and 5 other women. He says that would be too much estrogen. I hope that everyone has a good time and we all "just get along". Ha ha!

Prayers needed

I know that there are some things going on in evereyone's life. But I really would like to request that all of you add a few more people to your prayer list. 1-my friend Heather. She is going through some stuff right now and she will get through it, but she needs a few extra prayers sent her way. 2-my family. My sister and brother-in-law(not married to each other) are both out of work. My mom's health is getting worse, she's become a falls risk. 3-Walter's family. Walter's dad was just laid off.
I know that this is short and sweet, but I figured it would be all the info that you needed. Thank you all for your continued thoughts and prayers.

Love you all!!1