This is a very late update; but I now am willing to share.

     This is a post that will not be posted for a while b/c I'm not sure of the outcome.  Today's date is August 29, 2012.  Earlier this month we found out that we were pregnant.  Shocker!!!  Apparently going on vacation and taking it easy equals pregnant.  So take that REACH!  OK, getting back on track.  Currently we are 8 weeks along, this is the farthest we've ever gotten with out the aide of drug therapy.  We are excited and nervous of course b/c honestly we both had given up on this possibility and had accepted that fact.  We had moved forward with our adoption process.  Well here we are 3 years later and in this situation again.  I know that God works in very mysterious ways and He puts your life on His plan and not yours.  I do not doubt Him; but I wonder why we are on this path again.  Is this pregnancy different from the previous ones?  Yes, slightly.  I am taking aspirin daily to hope to fend of the "possible" antiphosphalipid syndrome.  I have had  a couple episodes of spotting; which in itself is scary.  But so far we are trucking along.  Tomorrow is another doctors appt for labs and ultrasound, which I'm very much looking forward to.  I will continue to keep everyone updated on our venture....of course it may be a little delayed.  If this all works out for us I want to tell everyone in a fun way and not via facebook post.  Some people already found out b/c of my mental breakdown after the first episode of spotting started; so for everyone else let the fun begin.  LOL.  Although none of you will read this right now; thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts for our family.  We appreciate them and keep 'em coming.

     Today is 12/12/12; obviously the above did not pan out like we hoped.  Another baby has gone to heaven.  I tell ya....it's just plum ridiculous!  But I know that God has a plan for us; and maybe he knew that adoption is our path.  But losing this pregnancy over Labor Day weekend was hard.  I didn't really tell anyone what was going on b/c I didn't want to have to tell them all if we lost another pregnancy.  There were a handful of people that knew, but honestly I wanted to be alone.  I cried, stayed in bed, and cried...a lot.  But it's been a few months and I am moving on.  I am happy that I have such a supportive husband who loves me and in no way blames me for what happens. 

     I started heavy bleeding on Labor Day and my doctors office was closed.  I called the Dr. on call at the hospital, but b/c of my history and the fact that I knew what was going on, they did not make me come in.  I stayed in bed all day and went to the OB/GYN on Tuesday.  At that time, I had an US which confirmed what I already knew.  On that day I was told that I really needed a D&C, which I quickly refused.  I had to take a medication that they give women after giving birth to make the cervix expel and shrink.  (best explanation I can think of...sorry).  I went back to the doctor on Thursday to see if all of the "tissue" had been passed...and it had.  The doctor immediately suggested that I not ever try to get pregnant again.  He also wanted to start me on BCP; which of course I've tried several and seem to have side effects to them.  Great....

     So this is where we are folks.  We have a total of 5 documented miscarriages (6 angels) and are now approved by the state of NC to be adoptive parents.  So we are still waiting on our children to come in to our lives.  Hopefully God will soon place those little angels in our home and hearts.  After everything that has happened I truly believe that adoption really is for us.  I do NOT want to go through this again, b/c you never get over what happens but you are able to move on.  That's where we are....moving on with our lives.  Thanks again for reading & your continued prayers.  God bless.

Done....sorta;)

Well folks, we are done!  Well, almost and not really.  We are officially finished with all of the home studies, fire inspections, back ground checks, credit checks, and one-on-one meetings.  Per our social worker we still have to be approved through the state of NC; which could take up to eight weeks, but for now we have finished.  After the final approval from the state we will then officially begin the waiting portion...hee hee!  We just don't know when our family will grow, so it could take up to two years.  But honestly, after all that we have been through over the last five, what is another waiting period?  So please continue to send thoughts and prayers; because those are always needed.  Thanks y'all!

Scarf Organization

     So I've decided to post some of my craft projects on this blog as well...these need to be put out into the world folks! Today I've been organizing my scarves.  If you're like me, you have a ton but nothing seems to make them easily accesible and easy to find the one you want.  So I was researching organization (A.K.A Pinterest) and found only one pin for this.  So I totally used the idea but changed it up just a little.  Here is what I did along with some of the pics taken.

     I used some old clothes hangers that I already had here at the house, some shower curtain rings (I think they were $1.20 each at Target), and a little fishing line to secure the rings to the hangers (which I also already had).

     I secured the rings to the hanger with some fishing line.  This is not completely neccesary; but if you don't then the rings will freely slide up and down the hanger.  It will not hang as straight in the closet as I like, so I tied them off a little but you are still able to adjust them if you needed more room on one side or the other.

     This is what it looks like once the rings are attached to the hanger.

     And this is the final result!  One of my problems with some of the products sold out there is that they hung too low.  I have 2 rows of hanging clothes in my closet, so some of the things that I bought just did not work...and trust me I purchased quite a few of them.  I've seen a few products at Bed, Bath, & Beyond that offer a similar solution like this one; but it would only hold about 8 scarves and cost around $20 each.  So to me this is a much better solution.  Since I already owned the hangers and fishing line; my total out of pocket cost was $2.38 for the shower rings. 

     So there you have it folks!  Thanks for looking.....

 



Trucking along

     If you're keeping up with our long trek then you know that we're on the adoption trail.  It's long, emotional, and we are not even half way through yet.  Yes, we've finished our MAPP classes and we have both had our individual interviews.  Our fire inspection is set up for next week, our home study is next month, and our physicals are scheduled.  There are still some things that need to be purchased and a little child proofing to be done, but all in all we are on track.  I have really learned a lot of patience during our long process and going through this now does not stress me out....well, not too much.  Walter and I are in a good place and we are no longer worrying about waiting for the test to be positive.  We are scheduling our vacations, I am drinking a glass of wine when I want one without the worry if I could possibly be pregnant; I feel as if a giant weight has been lifted.  I know that we will be parents.  It will happen, it's just a fact of when.  Our child may not even be born yet; it could be 3 months after we're licensed or it could be a year.  We don't know.  But honestly, we've waited this long...what is one more year?  Per our social worker, it can take about 2 months after all of our home study, physicals, and inspections are done to become licensed.  So we are looking at August or September for that to be completed.  If there is one thing that I've learned from this experience; it's that you cannot put your life on hold for the possibility of what may or may not happen.  You've got to go on that vacation, hang out with your best friend, visit your family, and spend as much time as possible with your husband.  I am really enjoying life right now.  I am enjoying not living on a CD schedule.  I am truly happy.  I know that my house is still on the quiet side, and I'm ready to fill it up, but for now that is the way it is suppose to be.  I have great friends and family in which to vent.  So for now we are happy.  We know that it will happen, we just have to wait for God to put those children in our path.  He knows our ultimate needs, so we will rely on His expertise.  Thanks all again for reading and keeping us in your prayers. 

Last MAPP

I can't believe it's been so long since my last post!  A lot has happened.  Most of you know that we have decided to adopt.  It is not in the cards for birth children for us, so God has put us on another path.  We have chosen to go through the foster care system here in Hickory and have had to attend 3 hour classes, 2 days a week for 6 weeks.  Tomorrow night is our last class.  That doesn't mean we are at the end, but it does mean that we are closer.  After tomorrow we will continue on in the process to be licensed foster parents in the state of NC.  The MAPP classes have offered me a lot of insight into the process and the children that come into foster care.  I really do think that Walter and I can make a huge difference in the life of a child, and I know that child will make a big difference in our life as well.  I've learned a lot over the past 6 weeks and have come to meet a lot of nice people.  Some of which are even in a very similar situation as ourselves.  It's nice to meet people and be able to discuss your situation and have them understand exactly what you're going through.  This has really been a God send for us.  I am grateful for the people that I've met, I'm grateful for everything that I've learned, and I'm thankful for the bond that Walter and I have that has made us strong enough to go through all of this.  It's amazing what you learn about yourself and your partner when life doesn't go as planned.  I've learned that Walter is a strong and sensitive man.  He's very supportive and very caring.  Now granted, some of this I already knew but it's in a new perspective now.  I'm learning that there are some things in life that are worth fighting for and some that aren't.  I'm not one for change.  I don't like to be wrong.  I'm very stubborn and can be argumentative.  But I've had to look at myself a lot here lately and feel that I'm growing as a person.  I'm becoming the person that I'm meant to be....someones mother.  Gosh, that even looks weird typing it...imagine what it sounds like in my head.  I have some very strong and supportive people in my life that have helped me through this process, most importantly is Walter.  I just love that man!  Although most of the time I want to throat check him...he is one great man.  Now this whole post has gotten extremely mushy and I must vomit.  But seriously, I do want to say thanks to all of those people keeping us in your prayers, we still need them.  We are not close to the end yet, hopefully by the end of the year, but we are getting there.  I am so thankful to all of you, it means so much.  Love you all and God bless.

Waiting....it sucks!

That's where we are folks, the waiting game is upon us.  I don't mind though.  I am excited, scared, nervous, and worried...all at the same time.  I am excited because Walter and I finally have a plan for expanding our family.  I cannot wait to see what child God puts in our lives.  I'm scared because what if I screw it up.  I am so nervous to have a little one in the house.  I want to start baby proofing everything now, but don't know if that's a little premature.  I even started cutting out coupons for diapers and am tempted to start buying those as well.  But again, I'm not sure what age child we will have here.  I feel like there is so much to do, but I have NO idea where to start.  I have a feeling that it's going to go snail slow for a while and then all of a sudden it'll be everything at once.  I want to buy furniture and fix a room up, but what if we get siblings?  Lord, how do you know?  How do I know where to start?  That itself is the answer isn't it?  Trusting in our Lord.  Sometimes I guess I just need to write it out to find the answer.  More info to come when I know it.  Thanks for all the prayers and keep them coming.  Love you all.

Acceptance Equals Power

     Acceptance really is a powerful thing.  Walter & I have been through a lot over the last 5 years, including 4 miscarriages and now the inability to get pregnant.  We did a round of IUI last year and it didn't pan out for us, but that is OK.  It really has been a roller coaster of emotions and pressure over the last few years regarding my fertility (or lack there of), and all of that pressure was put on me, by me.  Walter has always been very supportive no matter what test or procedure we were going through.  Probably over the last year I've really been doing a little soul searching while we were going through all the craziness, and I've come to realize so much.  #1, just because you can become pregnant does not make you a mother.  #2, God has a path for all of us.  Sometimes it's just a little harder to find that path, mainly because we try to follow what is in our own heads instead of what God is trying to tell us.  #3, Walter & I are meant to be parents, we will just need a little help to get there.  #4, I did NOT let my husband down because I can't give him a biological child.   Walter & I have chosen adoption and want to go through the local DSS system.  There are several reasons for this, but the main one for me is that I want to help a child locally.  I didn't want to do a private adoption because there are so many children already in foster care, you could literally change someones life.  You can take a child out of a bad situation and bring them into a home filled with love.  I am pretty excited to begin the process.  We have been approved through the initial interview, but still have a long way to go.  We have the paperwork (about 25 pages) for both myself and Walter to fill out individually.  We have to have fingerprints done, a background check, credit check, home study, references, and..... not sure what else.  I'm sure I'm leaving something out though.  I am happy to finally have a decision and feel 100% invested in that decision.  I whole-heartedly feel that we have done everything we could to have biological children, besides giving REACH $25,000 and hoping they knew what they were doing (which I didn't have confidence in).  I have accepted the fact that I am not meant to birth a child.  It was hard to come to that conclusion.  I had a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, resentment, and denial that I had to work through first.  I felt like I was going through the stages of grief, and now looking back I kind of did.  I sought out counseling, which helped me a little.  But my main source of clarity was from a friend of my sister-in-law, someone that has been through a very similar situation.  It was nice to talk to a person that knew the feelings I had and tell me that I was not crazy.  It's hard because, as a woman, that is why we are put on this earth.  We are made differently from men for the specific reason of creating and birthing life.  I felt that my husband was going to be disappointed in me because I couldn't produce.  But you know what?  Walter loves me, he's here for me, we are going through this together, and there is no blame here.  I no longer feel like the infertility defines me.  I am not angry with pregnant women.  I can listen to women talk about their kids without having to walk out of the room for fear of crying.  Now, it's only a simple detail about me.  I cannot birth children.  But I am still meant to be a mom, and now I know that I will be.  I know that through God, prayer, family support, and friends I am finally on my correct path. 

No luck...

     Well this cycle of IUI did not pan out like we hoped.  Unfortunately AF came of CD 23, which just happened to be Friday the 13th, and I thought wasn't suppose to happen because of all the fun hormones I was taking.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a superstitious person, but I find it memory-jogging.  So now Walter and I are trying to figure out our next step.  When I called REACH on Friday their response was "come in on CD 3 to try again" (another IUI round).  I guess I was expecting a little sympathy or empathy from the nursing staff.  I don't know why I expected that now because it's not like I've received it before...with the exception of one nurse, Marcey.  I am lost...and upset...and depressed...and ticked...and every other emotion in the book.  I feel like a failure, not only to myself but to my husband as well.  Now, I am not saying that he has ever even hinted around that he is disappointed in me not being able to carry a child, but that is what is going through my head.  I feel like I've let him down because I cannot give him a biological child.  It's the most normal thing in the world, right?  I mean, that's what we women do, we are made to have children.  God made us this way.  I feel broken in a way.  I mean, don't get me wrong it could be a lot worse.  I am still healthy and have a long life ahead of me, so it's not as if I'm dying from some awful disease.  But still, I'm not quite...whole.  Maybe it's the simple fact of needing children in my life.  Not necessarily giving birth to a child, but actually having a child in my life.  Someone that I can watch grow and learn.  Someone to teach how to ride a bike.  OK, who am I kidding?  It would sooo be Walter who does that, I'm just not that good at it.  But dang it, I got other mad skills!  So here comes the part in our life where we decide the rest of our lives.  Do we stop trying naturally and go the egg donor route?  Do we go towards adoption?  Do we stop all together?  Well, I can honestly say NO to the third option.  I want kids.  Plain and simple.  Walter and I are on vacation in another week.  We haven't had a lot of time to sit and talk about it, so it will be nice to have 8 days together to do that.  I hope to have a plan of action after that week off.  More updates to come and please keep the prayers coming.  I need them and can feel God's hand, keeping me calm.  So thank you for that. 
     On a much brighter note, I visited a church today with my friend, Holly, and enjoyed it very much.  Thanks again for reading. 

Side effects? No maam, you're crazy...

     This past Friday I had to take my progesterone again.  I take it every other morning and Friday was the 2nd day of taking it.  The first time I took the medication I noticed some nausea and dizziness, but b/c I've been fighting a virus since December 31st I contributed a lot of my symptoms to that.  But this past Friday, January 6th, I was at work and all of a sudden I got that cold wash over me as if I was about to throw up and when I stood up I thought that I was going to fall over.  I also felt extremely anxious, which is out of character for me.  Now I do acknowledge that I am a worrier and sometimes (most of the time) I over think things, but this was something different.  My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest but when I checked my pulse it was completely normal.  I felt as if I couldn't get a good, deep breath.  To be honest I was really scared.  I called my RE's office and of course had to leave a message and wait for someone to call me back.  I was able to speak with a nurse at my GYN's office though and she said she would get back to me as soon as possible.  I couldn't work, b/c every time I stood up I felt like falling down.  It felt like vertigo, but the worst case I've ever had.  All of these symptoms started about 2 hours after taking the medication.  My GYN office called me back and said that b/c they don't prescribe this medication a lot that they would have to refer my possible side effects to my RE, but they did say that it sounded like side effects to them.  One of the girls at my office is a RN and said that she has these anxiety type symptoms sometimes too, and honestly as soon as I knew what they were I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself down.  Not that the symptoms completely went away, but they were better.  My RE finally called me back and said that the symptoms I was describing had never been reported by another patient.  I simply told this lady that these symptoms were in the handouts given with the medication so apparently at some point in time someone had complained of them.  The RE office was of no help!  The simply told me that if I thought that these effects were related to the medication to stop them and take a Benadryl.  That's right folks, the stinkin nurse told me to stop the medication (that is only taken every other day so obviously I'm not taking another dose for at least 2 days) and take a Benadryl.  Why thank you so much RE office.  I may not be a nurse, but by goodness I work in a physician office.  I figured that part out all on my own.  I felt like these people were not taking my case seriously at all.  To be honest, I got ticked off at them....again.
     Luckily, I have a sister-in-law who has been through a similar situation AND is also a RN.  So I called her.  She said that she does remember feeling some vertigo with her medication also (A HA!) and that there was nothing to worry about.  She did some research for me and after I gave her some of the clinical information for the medication we were able to come up with a plan to change the time of day that I take the medicine.  I know that the doctor said every other morning, but obviously that ain't working for me.  So we decided to take it a little early and do it at bedtime.  I took the medicine last night before bed, about 7 hours earlier, and woke up with some nausea and vertigo.  No where near as bad as Friday's symptoms.  But no anxiety!  Woo hoo!
     I can't just stop this medicine b/c we have come so far with this IUI cycle.  I can't just give up now.  The medicine is there to give my body a little more time for this pregnancy (hopefully) to have a chance.  And just stopping it will send a message that it's time for AF, not what I want.  Especially since I spent 6 days giving myself shots and countless lab tests and ultrasounds.  So for now, I am taking the medicine at bedtime and so far, so good.  After all that hoopla with my RE office, all I needed was someone to listen to me and validate that these effects that I'm having are real and how to fix them.  Geez people!  Thank God for my sister-in-law who was able to research for me and listen to me and give me an option for how to proceed.  And guess what?  It worked!
    Oh, and P.S.  I googled the anxiety issue and a TON of women complained of this with the type of progesterone that I'm on.  So (raspberry sound) to you REACH!
   

Just felt like writing again.

     There is no new information with our pregnancy situation, but I just felt like writing again.  I don't want people to think that if I can't get pregnant or carry a child to term that we are giving up on children.  We are definitely not!  Just because I may not be able to birth a child doesn't mean that I am not meant to be a mother.  There are plenty of kids that need homes out there.  Plus I have had a lot of contact with people recently who are associated with adoption; whether they have adopted children themselves or they work with foster children.  Sometimes you just don't know where God is going to take you.  You can't know.  He keeps that to Himself, kind of like a surprise.  But sometimes you feel like you are being pulled in one direction or another.  And right now I feel like I've been put in contact with people who deal with adoption for a reason.  I am desperately hoping that I am pregnant now AND that I can carry the child to term.  With that being said, I want to adopt.  If it's now or in a few years, I want to adopt a child.  I want to give a child a different life.  If it turns out that I cannot have a biological child, I do not want to move forward with egg donation.  My head is not wrapped around egg donation, and I can't seem to get there.  Plus it is extremely expensive...money that we just do not have.  Now I know that adoption can be expensive sometimes also, but to me it's just not the same.  Why adopt an egg from another person when you can adopt a child.  One that's already here in this world and needs a good home.  To me, I feel like adopting a child would change a life...and I don't mean the child.  I think that it would very rewarding and fulfilling.  Whatever we end up doing and however our lives change, I want to go at it at 100%.  I want to be fully invested in whatever choice we make, and right now that is the IUI.  So I am doing absolutely everything I can to make sure this goes according to plan.  But part of me is still planning for the worst.  Part of me can't help but be pessimistic about pregnancy b/c I've had such horrible experiences.  So please keep praying for us, b/c we do need them.  We need God to continue to guide us to our path.  Thank you all again for reading and I love ya!

It's possible....

     Well as you may or may not know, Walter and I went to REACH on Saturday, December 31, 2011 for an IUI.  The procedure itself was pretty simple and painless.  It was easy.  What is not easy is this 2 week wait before you can do a pregnancy test.  2 WEEKS!  I'll be crazy by then.  I've had to start on Progesterone, beginning today (CD 14), and doing them every other day until....well I don't know when b/c my doctor office didn't mention that part.  But I assume it's until I'm either pregnant or AF comes.  One thing I've realized (one of the many I should say) is that I am not too impressed with REACH.  The office is soooo big and they have too many patients.  It's like a cattle farm.  When we were there on Saturday there must have been 10 other couples also....at the same time.  They just put us all in different rooms and did IUI after IUI after IUI.  Factory.  An IUI factory.  I am losing a lot of confidence with this office and would not go any further with them, but IUI if cheap in the whole grand scheme of things.  ($672.00 if you were wondering, plus all of the meds which were $1600 in our case.)  Walter and I have already discussed not moving forward with them if this IUI does not work out.  So we shall see what may come of this cycle.  I don't know if I have expressed my disappointment regarding REACH in previous posts, but let's begin.  I like the doctor.  Dr. Katz if very knowledgeable and really seems to know his stuff.  He's also very nice.  But, I have called and gotten false information from the staff re: medicine changes, appt information, new start meds, and overall advice on how to proceed.  This has not happened once or even twice, but many times.  We keep going back b/c we've invested a lot of money and time into this already and hate to start over.  But that is very well what we may do if this doesn't work. 
     Will this work?  Heck if I know.  I read blogs where people are trying 4, 5, & 10 IUI cycles to get pregnant and here I am hoping on number 1.  Hey it could happen.  One of the big questions for me is, what happens if it does work?  Will I stress every single day over whether I'm going to lose this pregnancy too?  Probably.  And if I do lose the pregnancy, how do I cope?  I've been through 4 so far, can I do another?  I want a child so badly that I think that I have to try.  I just have to.  We just have to.  This blog is totally from my point of view, but I know Walter wants a child just as badly as I do.  Trust me folks, he ain't gettin any younger...where I never age (LOL). 
     Part of me wants this IUI to work out so bad and part of me is a nervous wreck that it will happen.  How crazy is that?  How crazy am I?  Actually a lot right now.  I feel like I am not myself this cycle.  I feel like a crazy person!  I got so mad at Walter tonight...no I mean pissed off!  I got to thinking about it and was embarrassed at how I acted.  I was so mad and just feeling like I was crawling out of my skin.  Good thing is this is only day 1...woo hoo!  (That was a sarcasm for the sarcastically challenged).  Other side effects?  Exhaustion, very sore bbs, and overall achey feeling.  But b/c I took 2 HCG shots last week I don't know where the side effects are coming from.  Plus I feel like I'm getting sick too, but again don't know which Sx to treat.  Per other blogs and websites that I've read, the HCG can stay in your system for 12 days, so another reason to not take a HPT. 
     Now I feel as if this blog is ongoing and will never end.  Sounds like a good place to stop.  I will write more later and definitely after the 16th (when I can take a HPT) or if AF comes first.  I probably will not post about that.....but you get my drift.  Again, I would like to thank all of my family and friends for their continued support and prayers.  I love y'all!