No luck...

     Well this cycle of IUI did not pan out like we hoped.  Unfortunately AF came of CD 23, which just happened to be Friday the 13th, and I thought wasn't suppose to happen because of all the fun hormones I was taking.  Don't get me wrong, I am not a superstitious person, but I find it memory-jogging.  So now Walter and I are trying to figure out our next step.  When I called REACH on Friday their response was "come in on CD 3 to try again" (another IUI round).  I guess I was expecting a little sympathy or empathy from the nursing staff.  I don't know why I expected that now because it's not like I've received it before...with the exception of one nurse, Marcey.  I am lost...and upset...and depressed...and ticked...and every other emotion in the book.  I feel like a failure, not only to myself but to my husband as well.  Now, I am not saying that he has ever even hinted around that he is disappointed in me not being able to carry a child, but that is what is going through my head.  I feel like I've let him down because I cannot give him a biological child.  It's the most normal thing in the world, right?  I mean, that's what we women do, we are made to have children.  God made us this way.  I feel broken in a way.  I mean, don't get me wrong it could be a lot worse.  I am still healthy and have a long life ahead of me, so it's not as if I'm dying from some awful disease.  But still, I'm not quite...whole.  Maybe it's the simple fact of needing children in my life.  Not necessarily giving birth to a child, but actually having a child in my life.  Someone that I can watch grow and learn.  Someone to teach how to ride a bike.  OK, who am I kidding?  It would sooo be Walter who does that, I'm just not that good at it.  But dang it, I got other mad skills!  So here comes the part in our life where we decide the rest of our lives.  Do we stop trying naturally and go the egg donor route?  Do we go towards adoption?  Do we stop all together?  Well, I can honestly say NO to the third option.  I want kids.  Plain and simple.  Walter and I are on vacation in another week.  We haven't had a lot of time to sit and talk about it, so it will be nice to have 8 days together to do that.  I hope to have a plan of action after that week off.  More updates to come and please keep the prayers coming.  I need them and can feel God's hand, keeping me calm.  So thank you for that. 
     On a much brighter note, I visited a church today with my friend, Holly, and enjoyed it very much.  Thanks again for reading. 

Side effects? No maam, you're crazy...

     This past Friday I had to take my progesterone again.  I take it every other morning and Friday was the 2nd day of taking it.  The first time I took the medication I noticed some nausea and dizziness, but b/c I've been fighting a virus since December 31st I contributed a lot of my symptoms to that.  But this past Friday, January 6th, I was at work and all of a sudden I got that cold wash over me as if I was about to throw up and when I stood up I thought that I was going to fall over.  I also felt extremely anxious, which is out of character for me.  Now I do acknowledge that I am a worrier and sometimes (most of the time) I over think things, but this was something different.  My heart felt like it was beating out of my chest but when I checked my pulse it was completely normal.  I felt as if I couldn't get a good, deep breath.  To be honest I was really scared.  I called my RE's office and of course had to leave a message and wait for someone to call me back.  I was able to speak with a nurse at my GYN's office though and she said she would get back to me as soon as possible.  I couldn't work, b/c every time I stood up I felt like falling down.  It felt like vertigo, but the worst case I've ever had.  All of these symptoms started about 2 hours after taking the medication.  My GYN office called me back and said that b/c they don't prescribe this medication a lot that they would have to refer my possible side effects to my RE, but they did say that it sounded like side effects to them.  One of the girls at my office is a RN and said that she has these anxiety type symptoms sometimes too, and honestly as soon as I knew what they were I was able to take some deep breaths and calm myself down.  Not that the symptoms completely went away, but they were better.  My RE finally called me back and said that the symptoms I was describing had never been reported by another patient.  I simply told this lady that these symptoms were in the handouts given with the medication so apparently at some point in time someone had complained of them.  The RE office was of no help!  The simply told me that if I thought that these effects were related to the medication to stop them and take a Benadryl.  That's right folks, the stinkin nurse told me to stop the medication (that is only taken every other day so obviously I'm not taking another dose for at least 2 days) and take a Benadryl.  Why thank you so much RE office.  I may not be a nurse, but by goodness I work in a physician office.  I figured that part out all on my own.  I felt like these people were not taking my case seriously at all.  To be honest, I got ticked off at them....again.
     Luckily, I have a sister-in-law who has been through a similar situation AND is also a RN.  So I called her.  She said that she does remember feeling some vertigo with her medication also (A HA!) and that there was nothing to worry about.  She did some research for me and after I gave her some of the clinical information for the medication we were able to come up with a plan to change the time of day that I take the medicine.  I know that the doctor said every other morning, but obviously that ain't working for me.  So we decided to take it a little early and do it at bedtime.  I took the medicine last night before bed, about 7 hours earlier, and woke up with some nausea and vertigo.  No where near as bad as Friday's symptoms.  But no anxiety!  Woo hoo!
     I can't just stop this medicine b/c we have come so far with this IUI cycle.  I can't just give up now.  The medicine is there to give my body a little more time for this pregnancy (hopefully) to have a chance.  And just stopping it will send a message that it's time for AF, not what I want.  Especially since I spent 6 days giving myself shots and countless lab tests and ultrasounds.  So for now, I am taking the medicine at bedtime and so far, so good.  After all that hoopla with my RE office, all I needed was someone to listen to me and validate that these effects that I'm having are real and how to fix them.  Geez people!  Thank God for my sister-in-law who was able to research for me and listen to me and give me an option for how to proceed.  And guess what?  It worked!
    Oh, and P.S.  I googled the anxiety issue and a TON of women complained of this with the type of progesterone that I'm on.  So (raspberry sound) to you REACH!
   

Just felt like writing again.

     There is no new information with our pregnancy situation, but I just felt like writing again.  I don't want people to think that if I can't get pregnant or carry a child to term that we are giving up on children.  We are definitely not!  Just because I may not be able to birth a child doesn't mean that I am not meant to be a mother.  There are plenty of kids that need homes out there.  Plus I have had a lot of contact with people recently who are associated with adoption; whether they have adopted children themselves or they work with foster children.  Sometimes you just don't know where God is going to take you.  You can't know.  He keeps that to Himself, kind of like a surprise.  But sometimes you feel like you are being pulled in one direction or another.  And right now I feel like I've been put in contact with people who deal with adoption for a reason.  I am desperately hoping that I am pregnant now AND that I can carry the child to term.  With that being said, I want to adopt.  If it's now or in a few years, I want to adopt a child.  I want to give a child a different life.  If it turns out that I cannot have a biological child, I do not want to move forward with egg donation.  My head is not wrapped around egg donation, and I can't seem to get there.  Plus it is extremely expensive...money that we just do not have.  Now I know that adoption can be expensive sometimes also, but to me it's just not the same.  Why adopt an egg from another person when you can adopt a child.  One that's already here in this world and needs a good home.  To me, I feel like adopting a child would change a life...and I don't mean the child.  I think that it would very rewarding and fulfilling.  Whatever we end up doing and however our lives change, I want to go at it at 100%.  I want to be fully invested in whatever choice we make, and right now that is the IUI.  So I am doing absolutely everything I can to make sure this goes according to plan.  But part of me is still planning for the worst.  Part of me can't help but be pessimistic about pregnancy b/c I've had such horrible experiences.  So please keep praying for us, b/c we do need them.  We need God to continue to guide us to our path.  Thank you all again for reading and I love ya!

It's possible....

     Well as you may or may not know, Walter and I went to REACH on Saturday, December 31, 2011 for an IUI.  The procedure itself was pretty simple and painless.  It was easy.  What is not easy is this 2 week wait before you can do a pregnancy test.  2 WEEKS!  I'll be crazy by then.  I've had to start on Progesterone, beginning today (CD 14), and doing them every other day until....well I don't know when b/c my doctor office didn't mention that part.  But I assume it's until I'm either pregnant or AF comes.  One thing I've realized (one of the many I should say) is that I am not too impressed with REACH.  The office is soooo big and they have too many patients.  It's like a cattle farm.  When we were there on Saturday there must have been 10 other couples also....at the same time.  They just put us all in different rooms and did IUI after IUI after IUI.  Factory.  An IUI factory.  I am losing a lot of confidence with this office and would not go any further with them, but IUI if cheap in the whole grand scheme of things.  ($672.00 if you were wondering, plus all of the meds which were $1600 in our case.)  Walter and I have already discussed not moving forward with them if this IUI does not work out.  So we shall see what may come of this cycle.  I don't know if I have expressed my disappointment regarding REACH in previous posts, but let's begin.  I like the doctor.  Dr. Katz if very knowledgeable and really seems to know his stuff.  He's also very nice.  But, I have called and gotten false information from the staff re: medicine changes, appt information, new start meds, and overall advice on how to proceed.  This has not happened once or even twice, but many times.  We keep going back b/c we've invested a lot of money and time into this already and hate to start over.  But that is very well what we may do if this doesn't work. 
     Will this work?  Heck if I know.  I read blogs where people are trying 4, 5, & 10 IUI cycles to get pregnant and here I am hoping on number 1.  Hey it could happen.  One of the big questions for me is, what happens if it does work?  Will I stress every single day over whether I'm going to lose this pregnancy too?  Probably.  And if I do lose the pregnancy, how do I cope?  I've been through 4 so far, can I do another?  I want a child so badly that I think that I have to try.  I just have to.  We just have to.  This blog is totally from my point of view, but I know Walter wants a child just as badly as I do.  Trust me folks, he ain't gettin any younger...where I never age (LOL). 
     Part of me wants this IUI to work out so bad and part of me is a nervous wreck that it will happen.  How crazy is that?  How crazy am I?  Actually a lot right now.  I feel like I am not myself this cycle.  I feel like a crazy person!  I got so mad at Walter tonight...no I mean pissed off!  I got to thinking about it and was embarrassed at how I acted.  I was so mad and just feeling like I was crawling out of my skin.  Good thing is this is only day 1...woo hoo!  (That was a sarcasm for the sarcastically challenged).  Other side effects?  Exhaustion, very sore bbs, and overall achey feeling.  But b/c I took 2 HCG shots last week I don't know where the side effects are coming from.  Plus I feel like I'm getting sick too, but again don't know which Sx to treat.  Per other blogs and websites that I've read, the HCG can stay in your system for 12 days, so another reason to not take a HPT. 
     Now I feel as if this blog is ongoing and will never end.  Sounds like a good place to stop.  I will write more later and definitely after the 16th (when I can take a HPT) or if AF comes first.  I probably will not post about that.....but you get my drift.  Again, I would like to thank all of my family and friends for their continued support and prayers.  I love y'all!