Fearful

Since Walter and I are now trying to get pregnant I've been thinking a lot about...well everything. We are currently doing rounds of Clomid each month to try to help get us there. But that's not what really scares me. What is scaring me is after we get pregnant. Because we are not completely sure what is making me miscarry I am worried of what could happen. Of course working in the medical field I see a lot of things that worry me. Here is what is currently on my mind. The doctors think that I have a sort of clotting disorder that occurs when I get pregnant. Well I am already taking aspirin daily on the advice of my GYN and Cardiologist. But lets just say that we get pregnant and all goes well. But what happens if I throw a clot? What happens if I get a PE? I am so afraid of getting hurt or dying. How crazy is that? I mean I want children more than anything, but I don't want to not be able to enjoy them. I know this is insane. I know that we have no idea what will happen in our lives and that we have to trust in God. But I am fearful. I am afraid of not having children. Now I'm afraid of dying from having them. I'm afraid that we'll never have a family of our own. I don't want to be in this big house all by myself all the time. What keeps me sane is knowing that one day we'll have little ones running around. But what if something happens during the delivery and I'm not able to enjoy it? We have several patients that have had some sort of embolism due to labor/delivery. They are fine now but you never know. I guess we need to take it one step at a time. I need to actually get pregnant first. But in my heart I don't know if I can go through this whole ordeal again. I don't know if I can stand the constant worry that something is about to happen. That I'm about to miscarry at any minute. I also know that does not help when you're pregnant. So I am just full of fear and worry NOW. Please everyone please pray for us. Pray that all will be well, happy, healthy, and worry-free. Thank you all so much for hearing me. Love you.

Update on....everything.

In a previous blog I said that I had blood work done at my GYN appt. Those results did come back and were normal. I continue to have to do a certain lab test, Lupus Anticoagulant. It's a test for a clotting disorder called antiphosphalipid (sp?) syndrome. In the past I've had one positive test for this syndrome, you have to have two in order to be diagnosed. This last test was significantly lower than any previous test I've done. Good? I can't take it at face value. The time I had a positive test was within 2 weeks of a miscarriage. I've done 4 of these tests total and 2 were about 6-8 weeks after a miscarriage and the tests were normal, but they were on the very high end of normal. This is a disorder that is only active during pregnancy. So it would make sense for this test to be a lot lower since I'm having an issue getting pregnant. So when Walter and I do get pregnant again I am going to insist that we redo this test again. But the good news is that the clomid (fertility med) is working. I had to do a lab test this week to see if I was ovulating and it came back normal, as opposed to low which would mean negative ovulation. So it means that I did ovulate this month. Woo Hoo!!! My doctor should call me next week and let me know if I have to continue clomid. I want to. I don't have crazy side effects to the medicine and if it works....why not? So I will continue to update on my progress. And hopefully soon we will be on our next step, by which I mean pregnant. Love you all and continued thanks for the prayers.