The end of another year...

Well, it's the end of another year and still no children.  But hopefully that all will change soon.  If you have read my previous blog then you know that we are trying a round of IUI.  That is going pretty good.  I've had to do 2 hormone shots daily for 5 days, tomorrow I will do 2 HCG "trigger" shots and then go to REACH on Saturday morning at 7 (that's right!  7am on my day off).  I will have labs and an US done, if all looks well then at 11am the Dr. will do the IUI.  So fingers crossed!  But honestly I know children will be in our future, I just know it.  I don't know how; adoption, IUI, egg donation, or surrogacy, but they will be there.  There are so many children in foster care that need loving homes, and guess what?!  Walter and I have a home and LOTS of love to give.  I do promise to write more this weekend after the procedure (hopefully it will happen).  But to be honest I am a little nervous.  On December 31st I could possibly get pregnant.  It could happen!  No if you truly know me, then you know that I will be stressing until I am able to take a pregnancy test.  I will want to find out every single day, and waiting is not my strong suit. Of course if we don't get pregnant I may honestly be a little crushed.  I know that it is a long shot and I can't put a lot of faith in it...but it could happen.  Right?  I know that this post is up and down, but I just can't help it!  I tell you....I'm crazy!!!  These hormones are making me a little (a lot) loopy.  So thanks for reading and I will write more later b/c honestly I do believe that my brain is a little wonky.  So again, thanks and more to come.

IUI Anyone?

     That's right, you got it!  Walter and I have come to a decision...at least for now.  One of the obstacles that I am trying to overcome is the fact that I may have "bad" eggs.  We don't know for sure b/c there is not a test for that, so it's a lot of guessing and experience on my doctors behalf.  But before we decide to give up on biological children, I have to try again...with drugs this time.  We have decided to try a round of IUI (intrauterine insemination).  So for 5 days I will take 3 shots a day, not alcohol, but hormones.  So there goes the work place!!  (As if I'm not emotional enough!).  But we try to stimulate my ovaries to the extreme and hopefully get a "good" egg, then we do the IUI.  Sounds easy enough, right?  Well, it kind of is.  It's the least invasive and also least expensive.  That, unfortunately, is playing a pretty big role in our decision.  It would be different if you could get a guarantee....but that would cost $40,000 instead of the whole $25,000.  That's right folks I said $25,000 just to get to the point of pregnancy!  That is not a guarantee either, that's only a one time shot, rolling all of the dice on it.  But I'm getting ahead of myself.  What my doctor thinks is that I have genetically unstable eggs, and that's why I keep miscarrying.  Now he is not saying that I don't also have the antiphosphalipid syndrome (clotting disorder while pregnant), that is also possibility.  But the biggest hump (no pun intended) is to get me pregnant(get the pun now?), then try to find a way to keep it.  The doctor says that there is always the possibility that we will get pregnant on our own and will carry the baby to term, but it's a slim chance.  He says that all of my eggs can't be bad.  But, for now we are going to go the IUI route and pray for a miracle, so any extra prayers y'all want to send our way would be greatly appreciated. 

     You know, I am very thankful for the time that Walter and I have had to just be married and spend time with each other, but I also know that we are both ready to fill this silent house with lots of noise.  We both want kids badly, and I know that if it is meant to be...it will.  But sometimes it is really hard to wait for God's plan.  I know that He has one, and I've seen it first hand in other parts of my life.  However, while we are in the midst of our journey it's hard to see the whole path.  It's hard to wait, and I keep trying to make little things into big & meaningful signs.  Part of me sees all of our trials as a sign in itself, that we aren't meant to have kids.  But I'm not willing to stop our journey.  Because even though those setbacks occurred I still believe that children are meant to be in our lives.  I'm glad that it didn't happen earlier in my life, b/c I know that I was really not ready...but I have grown a lot and am ready for a little craziness in my life.  OK, a little more craziness.  I am really trying to stay positive, and for the most part I am.  Walter is great though.  He is always positive, and level headed.  I'll go through one of my crazy "lets give up" waves and he'll talk me down.  I'll be crying about not having kids and he'll cheer me up.   I am truly blessed to have him.  There was a time in my life when I wondered why my first marriage didn't work out, but now I know it's b/c God had a much better person in mind for me.  Thanks for listening and please keep those prayers coming.  Love you all.

Long time, no talk

     Walter and I are still on the search for some kids....anyone offering?  Kidding!  (maybe....).  Honestly though, we do have another appointment with Dr. Katz on Thursday, 10/06/11.  We just went through an entire process of jumping through hoops to hopefully have my sister, Kacie, be an egg donor.  We had to see a psychologist (we are NOT crazy....at least not too bad), we had to have records sent in, and take personality tests.  This whole process took us about 4 months.  After all of that, the psychologist told us that we were all good to have my sis be a donor....woo hoo!  Right?  Well not so much.  It took one phone call to really screw up those plans.  First of all the hospital where Kacie delivered her baby sent medical records that were not hers to my RE.  Let's just say that this was a huge mistake on the hospitals part b/c it was of another person with the same name but different DOB.  So anyway it was b/c of that mistake that I found out they would not allow my sister to donate...well not anytime soon.  Apparently there is a questionnaire that should be sent out to all prospective donors.  One of the questions is "are you a smoker?".  Well my sister is and has been for a while.  This questionnaire was never mailed to my sister.  So during the conversation with the nurse regarding false information about my sister (drug abuse and another child) the nurse states that this other patient is a smoker.  My response is "well so is my sister".  Not thinking that this would be a big deal b/c I see people all of the time that smoke and have kids.  Apparently REACH does not want your prospective donor to smoke for at least 3-6 months before donating.  I say all of this b/c it took us 4 months to jump through enough hoops to be allowed to use my sister.  If that one question would have been asked prior to starting all of this my sis could have stopped smoking (which she offered to do) and we would still be on our way to kids.  My sister has still offered to stop smoking, which I want her to do more than just for me.  But Walter and I feel like this is just another hurdle on our venture to parenthood.  We are going to talk with Dr. Katz and see what other options we have, we are trying to keep all doors and windows open...don't want to close anything too early.  And here I find myself at another crossroad.  I don't want to go into too many details b/c most of it will be a very private decision, but please pray that we make the right one.  Please pray that God helps us in this decision and shows us His path. 

     On a different note, Walter and I just participated in our first bike ride.  10 miles for pediatric cancer research.  I was extremely nervous but everything went really well.  I even did a lot better than I thought I would.  10 miles in 1:07 hours!  For someone who has never ridden 10 miles at one time in my entire life, I am thrilled!  I am also participating in my first 5K in about 3 weeks.  I've plateaued off on my weight loss, I'm stuck at 50 pounds.  Don't get me wrong, that it great.  My cholesterol is back to normal (trig went from 427 to 148), so I'm thrilled with the loss.  But there is more to do.  Now I'm trying to add exercise in to my regime, and a 5K is a perfect way to get motivated.  Plus the BFF is coming up to wog (walk/jog) with me for support. 

     And finally, Walter and I going on another cruise in November to celebrate our 5th anniversary.  I can't wait!  (Another reason to lose weight).  We are going to places that I've never been and I love being with the man-candy, especially on a ship....no cell service!  That means no work calls.  Lovely. 

     Thanks for reading and praying for us.  Please continue to do so.  Love ya and God bless.

A Long Awaited Update

     A lot has happened over the last few months.  We have seen our RE, Dr. Katz, a few times and may have an answer.  I have stopped saying that we have an answer b/c when I say that it seems as if a new problem arises.  But the doctor has found that I have about half the amount of follicles that I should.  My egg supply is also really decreased.  Dr. Katz seems to think that b/c my egg supply is pretty low, that that itself could be the reason for our multiple miscarriages.  He seems to think that the eggs that I do have are not stable.  So after tons of more labs and radiology tests, our best bet for children is an egg donor.  Not my worst case scenario, that would be that I couldn't actually carry a child.  So I have hope that carrying a child is in my future.  Now my problem lies with finding a donor.  Sure everyone throws their hat in the ring to offer when the process begins, but when push comes to shove you really find out who means what they say.  If it's not already assumed by most, I'm completely frustrated.  Of course that too seems to be my theme of blogging.  Frustration.  Yeah, that's me.  I am about to my end with this stress.  I am about done with begging for help.  I am about to the point where I take my future in my own hands and make what I want to happen...happen.  I have an appt with a psychologist (required by the RE before egg donation) on July 28.  Hopefully within the next few weeks we'll be a little closer to our goal.  I will definitely try to update as we move forward with our extremely long journey. 

     One good thing that has happened is that Walter and I went on a cruise to Nassau.  It was my first cruise, so we chose to do just 3 days in case I couldn't handle it.  But it was nice, I enjoyed myself.  I do want to do another one, but it will have to be longer...for sure!  I would love to get my whole family together and do one.  That would be awesome!  Maybe someday.  So this is all for now.  Mainly I had to really get my feelings out and vent a little.  So thanks, as always, for listening.  God bless & until next time. 

New goals

Well a few things have happened since the last post. One of which is that we have now seen an RE (Reproductive Endocrinologist). At this point we really do not have any additional information. We are doing some more labs and testing. So I will update that when we have all of the info.

 I do have a new goal though. Anyone who knows me knows that I've been on a weight loss journey since December 2007. I started to lose weight after beginning a low fat diet,and to date I've lost 48 pounds. Recently I've really begun adding exercise in because dieting alone will not get you where you want to be. I am inspired by my best friend, Heather. She and her husband, Jeff, have taken control of their lives also through diet and exercise. Within their journeys they have begun doing 5K's. I envy that. I am in a whole lot better shape now than I was 3 years ago. I think back, and then I couldn't even walk a mile without being out of breath. And now I'm wogging (this is what Heather calls walking/jogging) the 3.1 miles with no problems. Well, I'm not saying that it's a piece of cake b/c it is work. But it's work that I am happy to do. Hell it's work that I'm happy that I'm able to do. I look forward to working out now. I now have a goal, b/c in June I will be doing my first ever race. I am excited! Now I have a deadline. I have something to work towards. Since I hit my plateau I lost the motivation. Now don't get me wrong b/c I will never gain the 48 pounds back that I lost, but the motivation to continue was gone. But Heather has inspired me. I have a new goal, which is to do this race. Not win or even jog the whole thing, but to simply finish. Sure I've lost weight and feel a lot better, but the original "steam" that I had was gone. I feel more rejuvenated and ready. Ready to do a race and possibly one day jog the whole thing. Then eventually run & win a 5K. So new goals are in place and I'm starting strong. Do I want to continue to lose weight? Of course. But I feel different about it now. I feel like becoming healthier is more important. Strange isn't it?

Thanks for reading y'all. Also thanks for the continued prayers and thoughts for me and my family.

Next step

Well here we are months later and still no children or even the inkling of a pregnancy, so my GYN has decided to send me to a Reproductive Endocrinologist. Which is good, but this may only answer one question and not the other. Why are we having such a difficult time getting pregnant? I know that God has a plan for us, I just wish I could stop trying to wrap my mind around it. All I do is worry about it. I live in "cycle" days. It's not Sunday, it's CD 2. my life has become one, big, fat chart. I have to chart my cycle days. I have to chart ovulation. I have to chart symptoms. I AM SO FRUSTRATED! I am constantly comparing myself to others that have children. If I see someone who is pregnant I automatically want to know how old they are. I want to make sure that there other people out there who are having kids later. If I see someone who is 34 and they are pregnant, well then I'm OK because I'm not quite that old yet. Sane? Not so much. So hopefully, this RE will be able to give us some sort of answer. The big question, does our insurance cover it? Absolutely not! This is completely out of pocket, so hopefully this will happen quickly b/c time is money is this case. We are thinking that IVF may be our next step. Who knows? Our appt is April 7, so we should know more then. I'll keep everyone updated. Thanks for reading my rants, it helps to get this stuff out sometimes.

Starting the New Year off right....

This is a new year, so it's time for change. Well, not really. What are my normal resolutions? Weight loss, exercise, & kids. The funny thing is that I was reading an old blog of mine from Christmas 2009 and in it I stated that I wanted kids for Christmas of 2010. So that didn't happen. But I am hopeful. I honestly feel in my heart that kids are in our future, just not sure how long we'll have to wait. There have been changes since our last loss, and still trying to figure out my cycles, but we will just have to leave it in God's hands. Which I am trying really hard to do. I cannot stop myself from worrying & stressing over the fact that I am another year older and still without kids. I see people on facebook fussing over their kids being at home, out of school b/c of snow, or kids just being loud. Well I would like to have that problem. I have been hearing it all week at work too. People are stating that if their kids don't go back to school soon then they are going to lose it. Well some of us would just love the opportunity to have that problem. I know. I know. This is not up to me, it's up to God's plan. But see, this is some of the things that really hit home for me. Of course I do believe that it is good to just get some of these things off of your chest at times. So this is my avenue for that. I am trying to not let this blog be all about me not having kids, but honestly that is what is happening in my life right now. That is my life right now. We have decided that if there are no kids here in the next few months then it's reproductive endocrinology here we come. And of course our insurance does not cover it at all. Thanks for that. But hopefully it will not have to come to that. We shall see.

Walter and I do have our vacation planned for March 2011. We are going to Lake Tahoe for a ski trip!! Woo hoo! I'm excited b/c neither of us has ever been, so that will be new and exciting. We took our "anniversary" vacation a little late in 2010, we went the week before Thanksgiving to Atlantic City. And I'm OK with never going back. We had a lot of "us" time....and that was the only good thing about AC. But we will always have that.

OK, so now I feel like I may be getting a little tired and this blog may be rambling. But I also do feel like I got a few things off of my chest. So thanks for listening. Good night and God bless. Love y'all.