Thank you

I want to thank you all for the kind words. It meant a lot. I also want to thank you for allowing me to vent. It really did help, I feel better. I was able to get a lot of things off my chest that have been there for a very long time. I am just hoping that one day Walter and I will be able to start a family of our own. I am so happy with him, he makes me smile & laugh. He's so good to me. And I know that he would be a great father. You know that hurts a little too. He wants to be a dad about as much as I want to be a mom. So we're both in the same boat...even if it doesn't feel like it sometimes. I know that one day we will have children, whether it's biological or adoption. I am certain of that now. And just think if we adopt, no painful pregnancy. (That was so a joke people. Just trying to keep it light). I think I am now getting to the point where I don't hate people that are pregnant. I can look at them and not feel envy...well not a lot of envy. I can talk to people about their pregnancies again. I feel good. I feel like it's only a matter of time. Of course then next month will come and it may be the same blog all over again...who knows? But one thing does have to change. We cannot live our lives around trying to get pregnant. I mean honestly, that's only part of the battle. Even if we do get pregnant, we still have to hold on to it. There's no guarantee that'll happen. So I think that I'm focusing on us. On Walter & my life, our love, and our time together. I want us to have memories and things to be able to tell our kids when they get older...so we gotta do those things. Again though...wait until I vent next month. (ha ha). So again thank you all who read this and left me those wonderful messages of love and inspiration. I love you all.

Frustration! Explosions are imminent!

I know that I fuss a lot about our pregnancy issues. But to be honest I'm more frustrated now than I've ever been. I'm so tired of worrying about what day is best, i.e. "is this day # 8 or 10?" "What cycle am I on this month?" (B/c my cycles are sooo way off that it's hard to tell if I'm on a 22 or 28 day cycle). I'm tired of counting the days every single month. And if I'm on a shorter cycle when do I try to conceive? Should I start on day 8? If the cycle is longer, is it then day 14? Who the hell knows? And mostly I'm tired of hearing advice like "just do it all the time" or "just relax, it'll happen". I know that this advice is given from the heart and those from whom it is offered are loving and well meaning. But let's be honest here people...can anyone really do "it" everyday? No. Why? B/c Walter works crazy shifts and I don't see him everyday, there will be times when I don't see him for 3-4 days at a time. Also I'm beginning to feel like doing "it" is becoming more of a chore as opposed to what it should be...beautiful, love, & cherished. I count days, do "it", count some more, and then pray that my cycle doesn't start. What happens when it does? I get mad and tired and frustrated. I feel like crying right now. I don't think that some people can understand what I'm going through. It's hard. I've had 3 documented miscarriages, I'm about to turn 32, at the age of 35 the risk of birth defects increases, and my mom went through menopause at a very early age (37). So I am on a time limit here. I know that sounds crazy. I want a family and feel like I'm going through hell every month. I'm really at a loss. I know that people have been praying for us, and thank you for that. But what is the next step? I've made an appt with my GYN for next week to discuss some of my issues. I just feel so alone.
Another of my problems today is that I miss my Pop so much. They say that with time, the loss gets easier to deal with. And in some aspects, that's true. I can listen to songs now without crying. I can think about him and not break down. But I do think of him daily. I miss him. Some days are definitely better than others, but a day like today will cause a person to drink.
I love my family. They are the greatest, I just wish that I got to see them more often. Same with my friends. I haven't seen or spoken to Heather in forever. I'm finally going out to dinner with Brooke this weekend. It's been months since I've seen her. I'm only able to drive to Spartanburg about every other month, so seeing all of my friends and family is not frequent enough.
Thank you all so much who read and pray for us. Thank you for letting me vent my frustrations. I do feel better afterwards. Love you all!