Memories Part 2

My mom read my previous blog and made a very good point. I was having a hard time the other night because I was thinking about Pop. I miss him dearly. But my mom is right. There are people still in this world that won't be here forever. I have to work on making new memories with them. I'm not saying that I won't breakdown again because I miss Pop. But I am going to try to focus more on the people still with me. I will see all of my loved ones again one day. And in Heaven's time, it won't be long. It may seem like forever here on earth, but in Heaven things are different. I know that I am being watched over by my loved ones, and I still have a lot of family left here on this earth. So between the two, I am so loved. So thank you Mom for making a valid point. I love you so much.

Memories

It is about midnight and I'm sitting in bed wide awake. All kinds of things are running through my head, most of which revolve around Pop. For some reason he has been on my mind a lot here lately. I keep thinking about the day he died and all of the things I could have changed. After I got off of work on that Monday, I thought about going to my parents house but then I decided that I just really wanted to go home and eat dinner. I got home, changed into pajamas, and started cooking dinner. I wasn't home 15 minutes before my sister, Kacie, called me to tell me that the EMS was there because Pop was in bad shape. At that time I worked in Spartanburg but lived in Gastonia, so it took me 45 minutes to get back to Spartanburg. By the time I got there he was gone. I keep thinking that if I would have just gone with my gut and headed to my parents house that things may have been different. Maybe I would have noticed the signs of his heart attack. I could have given him aspirin and called EMS immediately. I would have been able to do CPR when he collapsed. My mom and sister were there, but neither of them are in the medical field. Kacie attempted CPR after he collapsed and while Mom was talking to 911. Maybe things would be different. I don't know that. He may have ended up dying anyway, maybe it wouldn't have made a bit of difference. But I just keep blaming myself for not paying attention to my instincts. I miss him so much it hurts. I miss him more than I do my own dad (who died in 2001). I just can't seem to get these things off of my mind and I thought that if I wrote them out I would feel better. Do I? Not really. I still hurt. I'm still crying. Will my brain stop turning tonight long enough for me to get some sleep? Unknown. My mom misses Pop so much too, she and I talked about him this morning. Kacie is still torn up about having to perform CPR on him. Kaleigh still talks about how much she misses her papa. Poor little Emma will never meet him. Tracey is still upset because she wasn't there (at the time she lived in Alabama). So all in all our family is missing a huge piece of our whole. It even feels a little empty sometimes. I just need to know in my heart, and I do, that one day he and I will see each other again. And a part of me can't wait. I miss him so much. I love you Pop!

Anything new?? Not really.

Well there isn't really a lot to tell. We are still trying to get pregnant but atleast the medicine is working. I am now ovulating, of course it's very sporadic. I hate taking the clomid. It really puts a crazy spin on my hormones. I am crying, screaming, depressed, and laughing all in the same breath it feels like. I'm mean to people, and I don't intend to be. I am the most mean to my loved ones and I'm sorry for that. I am just praying that I don't have to take it for too long. I am currently on the third month, so there is always hope. I know that we have a lot of people out there on our side. I just don't know what to do sometimes. I'm kindof glad that Walter is at work tonight b/c I am definately in one of my foul moods. So maybe going to bed early will make me feel better.

Walter and I went to the beach a couple of weeks ago and we took my niece, Kaleigh, and Heather's daughter, Gracie, with us. The girls are 5 and 6 respectively. We had a blast. The girls were a lot of fun and full of energy. It gave us a little insight into what it would be like to have kids. We played and fussed and played some more. Originally I was hoping that when we did have children that it would be a girl...now I'm thinking I'd like to have boys. I think that they'd be easier. Girls are always so.....girly. Gosh I know that's not a very good description, but you all will know what I mean. I did post some pics on facebook if you would like to see. We had a very good time.

I'm sorry that this is such a short post, but no one has been blogging so I'm putting my foot down. Blog people. I needs to know what's going on. So out with it!!

OK talk to you all later. Holla!!