Acceptance Equals Power

     Acceptance really is a powerful thing.  Walter & I have been through a lot over the last 5 years, including 4 miscarriages and now the inability to get pregnant.  We did a round of IUI last year and it didn't pan out for us, but that is OK.  It really has been a roller coaster of emotions and pressure over the last few years regarding my fertility (or lack there of), and all of that pressure was put on me, by me.  Walter has always been very supportive no matter what test or procedure we were going through.  Probably over the last year I've really been doing a little soul searching while we were going through all the craziness, and I've come to realize so much.  #1, just because you can become pregnant does not make you a mother.  #2, God has a path for all of us.  Sometimes it's just a little harder to find that path, mainly because we try to follow what is in our own heads instead of what God is trying to tell us.  #3, Walter & I are meant to be parents, we will just need a little help to get there.  #4, I did NOT let my husband down because I can't give him a biological child.   Walter & I have chosen adoption and want to go through the local DSS system.  There are several reasons for this, but the main one for me is that I want to help a child locally.  I didn't want to do a private adoption because there are so many children already in foster care, you could literally change someones life.  You can take a child out of a bad situation and bring them into a home filled with love.  I am pretty excited to begin the process.  We have been approved through the initial interview, but still have a long way to go.  We have the paperwork (about 25 pages) for both myself and Walter to fill out individually.  We have to have fingerprints done, a background check, credit check, home study, references, and..... not sure what else.  I'm sure I'm leaving something out though.  I am happy to finally have a decision and feel 100% invested in that decision.  I whole-heartedly feel that we have done everything we could to have biological children, besides giving REACH $25,000 and hoping they knew what they were doing (which I didn't have confidence in).  I have accepted the fact that I am not meant to birth a child.  It was hard to come to that conclusion.  I had a lot of anger, sadness, frustration, resentment, and denial that I had to work through first.  I felt like I was going through the stages of grief, and now looking back I kind of did.  I sought out counseling, which helped me a little.  But my main source of clarity was from a friend of my sister-in-law, someone that has been through a very similar situation.  It was nice to talk to a person that knew the feelings I had and tell me that I was not crazy.  It's hard because, as a woman, that is why we are put on this earth.  We are made differently from men for the specific reason of creating and birthing life.  I felt that my husband was going to be disappointed in me because I couldn't produce.  But you know what?  Walter loves me, he's here for me, we are going through this together, and there is no blame here.  I no longer feel like the infertility defines me.  I am not angry with pregnant women.  I can listen to women talk about their kids without having to walk out of the room for fear of crying.  Now, it's only a simple detail about me.  I cannot birth children.  But I am still meant to be a mom, and now I know that I will be.  I know that through God, prayer, family support, and friends I am finally on my correct path.